Wednesday, 28 February 2018

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही - 21!

हर मर्ज़ को मिटा देने वाली दवाई तो मिल जाएगी,
लेकिन हर दर्द से रिहा करने वाली औषधि कब आयेगी?
रत्ती भर उम्मीद से गुफ़्तगू क्या हुई,
हमने तो वक़्त के हक़ में क़सीदे पढ़ने
से ही फ़ारिक ना हुए.
क्या जानते हो क्लब के बारे में जो उसे सुकून पहुँचाने की होड़ में रातों की नींद और दिन का चैन रोज़ नीलाम किये चले जा रहे हो.
कुछ वक़्त देना चाहती हूँ अपने आपको, अपने ज़ख़्मों को, अपनी धड़कनों को. उन ज़ख़्मों को वक़्त देना है जिन पर वक़्त के साथ बस धूल जम गयी है. अब शायद कुरेदने पर भी दर्द ना हो, लेकिन ज़ख़्म तो फिर भी ज़ख़्म है उसे भरना होगा उसे इस बात का एहसास दिलाना होगा की वो भी किसी जीती लड़ाई या किसी सीखे हुए सबक़ की निशानी है.
दाद तो मैं उस चाँद की देती हूँ जिसे ना घटने का ख़ौफ़ है ना ग़ायब होने का. बस अंधेरे में लिपटा हुआ तन्हाई में मुस्कुराता हुआ हमें चंद लमहों के सुकून और अपने अंदर के तूफ़ान से रिहा कर चला जाता है.
जब ख़ुद का दिमाग़ ही तमाशा देखता रहे तो ग़ैरों के ज़माने को क्या और क्यों दोष दें.
हमारे इश्क़ का आलम तो देखिए जनाब, पहले हम उनके देखने का इंतज़ार करते थे अब हम उनके देख के अनदेखा करने का इंतज़ार करते हैं.
तुम्हारी याद में बेचैन होना और तुम्हारे इंतज़ार में सुकून ढूँढने की आदत पड़ गयी है मुझे.
इत्मिनान और क्लब के बीच की दूरी मिटाने के दरमियाँ सुकून कहीं खो गया और मैं गुमराह हो गयी.
जिन पर ऐतबार था उन्हें,
हमारे होने से ही ऐतराज था.

Thursday, 22 February 2018

But even if you don’t!

But even if you don’t conquer your storms, 
they will still pass;
Might break a part or two of you,
but aren’t you broken already? 
A crack in the soul
A few wounds in the heart
A bit of restlessness in the head
And that’s all that the storms can do
Shouldn’t you give them a chance
To do all that they can
And choose not to conquer
But float for a bit
With all your aches and pains
Exposed to the light, heat and dark.

Haven’t you given up on
Fighting with yourself
Hasn’t it been too long
Aren’t you done with the
Time you’ve given yourself
To heal and deal with all this?

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

It takes time!

It takes time,
To heal, to accept
To collect the pieces
Of your own self.

It takes time,
To believe
A lover is gone
The faith you had
Has vanished
As if it never was.

It takes time,
To escape
The vicious circle
Of the truth that
Has the power
To shred you
In more pieces
Than you can count.

It takes time,
To stitch
Yourself with the same
Needle that has been
Pricked in your heart.

It takes time,
To fight back
For some days
You just float
Without being what
You could and are.

It takes time,
Sometimes a lot
The rest of the times
More than a lot.

Monday, 12 February 2018

#ReleaseThePressure: It Is Not Worth It!

Yes! That's my provisional certificate, yes that's a second division and yes this is how it is. It has been two years to the result, nobody has asked me about it during any of my job interviews or internships. But, yes a certain set of people continue to ask-relish-dwell in it, for the reason best known to them.
I will not say that the result didn't matter to me, because duh! it did. It did quite a lot. I was disappointed with it despite being prepared for the same.

I had 73.5% in 12th and so I was obviously not allowed to expect some revolutionary score in my graduation. They had told me, for someone like you 90s shouldn't even be in the mind. They have been absolutely correct in saying so, amidst all the disappointment and shame I brought to them, this bit of keeping their word, I managed. I never got a 90% aggregate, LOL. Moreover, I wasn't even new to all this. Back then in school it was not only this bunch but an entire school faculty who had declared me as a loser. I am just glad that in college things changed. At least, professors stood by, people loved and all beautiful things happened.

It was probably the first time I realized there was more to me apart from being a dumb head at academics. A couple of professors counseled me, so many seniors stood by me even as I ranted and a huge gang of friends loved me despite all odds. I have been the department representative even after I scored shit marks in my semester exams. I was told that if I want to do what I want to, marks won't matter. That was the first time someone said that to me in the staff room, I was relieved like never before. But, all this happened in college!!

I had spent 14 years in school and nobody had the courage to say, 'That your low score will not kill you'. They chose to call up my parents to tell them how terrible I was at academics. This wasn't even new for them they had been a part of this drill since 6th grade, every second week they would call them up saying that I had failed in some subject. One of the teachers once said that its best if I repeat the year because that is going to be less embarassing than failing. YES! SHE SAID THAT. Surprisingly! I didn't feel weird after that maybe I had become immune to all of this. So, it wasn't that bad as I think of it now.

But, yes, if I am asked that will I ever be okay with taking my school's name as a part of a nice phase or something that happened for the good, then I am sorry that cannot happen. I am no God, I hated my school back then and I continue to hate it till date. IT SCREWED EXACTLY FOURTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I am a very proud-happy-alumni of the college I was a part of and have immense love and gratitude for it. It's THE reason for all the good that has happened. It has been and continues to be the best part of life and as far as I think it is going to remain that way.

I did some very interesting internships during college, learnt a lot and had a lot more fun. There was nobody who asked me about what I wanted to do with life or why I was in a particular college or how much I had scored in boards etc. I felt relieved, as if a boulder had been lifted from my chest. I met some amazing people as mentors, the people I still rush back to when I’m drowned in my mess. Yes! They still choose to stay with me, they still help me and they still wish good for me and yes, I know this for a fact.

If you know me you would know my relationship with Triveni Kala Sangam, even if you don’t I am sure you would have seen pictures of it I keep posting on Social Media. I found peace in that place, it felt like home, I felt beautiful, I felt at ease and most importantly I felt that I had the ability to not feel not okay.

Yes! It was that bad before college and Triveni.

Then came my first job, it was okayish. I was a content writer and the junior social media manager for a startup called Craterzone. My first salary was 20k and I was okay with it too. I worked there for a month and realised that I didn’t want to do something like that.

My second job was with the India Today Group, I worked there as a social media consultant for an year and it was lovely. I learnt a lot, met some nice and some very nice people and most importantly realised how important it is to be passionate. I saw people work for 18 hours at a stretch, I met people who would work for 12 hours for a video of 5 mins so that it could go viral and so much more

And currently I am with The Quint as a desk writer.

In all these events not a single person has asked me how much did I score in boards or in college, but unfortunately in every gathering I do find a bunch of people who are so interested in the moments of past that I fail to understand how un important the present is for them.

Anyway, grateful for all the good that has happened and for all the lessons that I learnt when less good happened. Immense gratitude for people who stayed and for the ones who chose to leave for the better. Shoutout and bear hugs for those who were there literally always and helped me survive on the days when the storm within overpowered me and I sincerely hope that I be there for you always.

Someone once told me: “There is no other way the world exists but in harmony”. I believe the person who said this and so I obviously believe in this too. Hope you believe this too, it’s beautiful. No?

Here’s hoping for harmony within and around. Love, peace, moon salutes and smiles, always!

P.S: My 12th board roll number: 5647753 (Batch of 2013)
My college exam roll number: 4121450036 (Batch of 2016)

You can check my marks anytime you want to.


Tuesday, 6 February 2018

For how long will you?

For how long will you dig the gold?
Out out of the cracks in your soul

For how long will you avoid healing?
So that can stop lusting for that good feeling

For how long will you fight yourself?
To give the right answers to them

For how long will you not weep?
To keep up with that notion of strength

For how long will you breathe?
Just to exist and not live

For how long will you chase?
The degree and not the dream

For how long will you walk?
On the pieces of your heart

For how long will you look at the clock?
That just passes time without feeling fine

For how long will you?

Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Out of love - 86!

Your un-fought battles aren’t your victories, they are an evidence of your fear for the battleground.
Under the sun it’s usually me,
Under the moon it’s always you.
If you choose to tolerate the pain to test your perseverance or for some other reason, despite having an option to get rid of it. Just know, that it’s a choice that you made.
Healing is not a choice, it’s a necessity. Give it the time, patience and warmth it deserves.
A heartbreak is an evidence of a beautiful bond and the fact that a heart just doesn’t only pump blood.
Trust, hope, faith, love and magic do not exist as a concept but then there is someone somewhere who has all these in you and that probably adds to the real quotient in these!
The feeling of less weak is maybe the beginning of experiencing strength.
Decisions have consequences and love is a conscious decision, to think it won’t have consequences is a thought you wish was true!
On the nights you can’t sleep
And on the days at work
Where you can’t breathe and weep
Remember, there’s a moon out there
And maybe and just maybe so
There is a bit of hope and solace
Out there and within.
But even if someday the darkness chooses to end, will you be able to accept the piercing light that will steal away all the solace and comfort darkness gave you?

Sunday, 28 January 2018

You Haven't Loved The Wrong Person!

You haven’t loved
The wrong person
There is no wrong person
To be loved
Haven’t you heard?
“Love is blind”
It can’t see, it can’t judge
It’s love not an answer sheet.

There is a reason why our
Schools are incapable of
Teaching love,
For every exam they take on it
For every grade they give for it
Will be killing it
And maybe that’s why they don’t.

You love or loved
Because you felt the need to
You made it your home
Because you craved for it
You gave it all
Because you wanted to.

It’s okay,
If your love wasn’t accepted
Or your lover failed to reciprocate it
You see love is an art
Selfless, pious and tough.

There will be people and beings
Who fall for it,
Some may fall in it,
But, you have no option
But to rise in it.

Those who can’t love back
Deserve love, yes, they do
Everything deserves love
How can they not!

And if lovers like us
Give up who is going
To help them fill
That void.

Yes, you’re heartbroken
Yes, you’re hurting
Yes, you’re giving up
But, NO, you can’t give up
On loving, on the concept of love
And most importantly on
Your ability to love.

It maybe okay someday
Or it may never be fine
But, never forget you’re
Blessed and so you love
And so you must continue
To love,
Now and ALWAYS.

Friday, 26 January 2018

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने!

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने
के ज़ख़्म है छर छरायेगा, दर्द होगा
तन्हाई का एहसास होगा
मकान के रहते भी घर की चाहत होगी.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने
की लोगों को घर बनाने से इत्मिनान
रत्ती भर का होगा लेकिन जाने का दुःख ऐसा
की ना बयान किया जाए ना अंदर दबाया जाए.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने
की खुले आमान के नीचे भी
दम घुट सकता, इंसान अंदर से मर सकता
है लेकिन ज़िंदा लाश की तरह फिर भी
चल सकता है.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की प्यार है आसमान नहीं
वक़्त के साथ ख़त्म हो जाएगा
सब मिट्टी में मिल जाएगा
और ये प्रियतम बस तड़पता रह जाएगा.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की ऐतबार का एहसास होना
उसका साथ होना
सब अलग है.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की क्लब को इत्मिनान और
ज़ेहन का सुकून ना चाँद
की शीतलता ना सूर्य के तेज से मिलता है.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की तुम भी औरों की
तरह एक दिन चले जाओगे
जाओ ना भी तो मर जाओगे.

ये कभी क्यूँ नहीं बताया किसी ने,
की थकना हमेशा हारना नहीं होता
क्या तुम भी कायर हो?
अपने ही सवालों से भयभीत?

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

The Finest Shoulder Pain!

Their is a certain charm to a terrible almost life taking shoulder pain. You suddenly start realising the weight of your head, and trust me it seems to be heavier than a big boulder, a little left and right you move your face and damn you will realise the value of all Gods that have ever existed for the human race.

The worst part, it is nothing! Yes, that is what it is, NOTHING. No fracture, rupture etc, it is just plain - raw- blatant pain. If I had to express how it feels like, I would probably compare it to a lonely night without the moon. As if your wounds have been left open, heat burns it, cold winds pinch it and of course ignorance by beloveds aggravates it.

The most beautiful part of this thing is, you are constantly claiming to be okay, because; Duh! Shoulder pain at 21 is no excuse. So yes, you are constantly in pain, internally screaming externally smiling. Nobody even know about it and there is hardly anything you can do about it either.

However, a warm hug, maybe a good coffee and a heating pad could be your best friends, but alas; people like me hardly get the best. Rest obviously is up to time and Dua!

So here I am, ranting, whining and cribbing. That’s all. Oh yes! I have been using the Moov spray more than my deodorants. I smell of Moov. Now can this pain please move on and away?

Monday, 15 January 2018

Dealing With It!

There will be and they better be times when you don’t feel like not being what you are. Existence as a concept feels tedious exhausting and to some extent useless too. Sleep doesn’t kiss and you wake up feeling tired. The whole process of getting out of bed seems like a war. A war that you know you will lose.

It’s in those times, you would want to thank your head that has been so heavy on your shoulder for pushing you. On such days a warm hug could just maybe help you breathe a little more with ease. It would probably help you realise that maybe it is not all that bad even though you know it is much worse than what you choose to accept. But, has a dose of love harmed anyone as yet?

Love has done good to me, till now at least. Hugs, coffee and an exemplary mentor has been there all this while. You know it helps to have someone. Someone you can talk to, someone who will always be there or so you believe, someone who has the patience to listen to your rants, someone who will be there to say, it’ll all be okay.

Maybe this is our survival kit. Maybe this our bad day box love. Maybe this just is what it is!

Friday, 12 January 2018

Passions And Candles!

You don’t need the fashion of passion
All you got to do is believe in perseverance
Of your nurtured passion.

Remember, you put in so many
sleepless nights and day dreams
For figuring out what real passion
Feels like.

Don’t you remember the smell
Of it when you realised
What your breaths are meant for?

That sound of the first rain
On barren ground
The smell of freshly wet mud.

That’s what passion felt and smelled like.

It stayed for a while
Just like a candle
It melted away with time.

With the wick and wax all burnt
Candle is no more a light for your fight
Just like your passions
Which can’t be the flight to your dreams.

Sunday, 7 January 2018

Now that you have!

Now that you have
Blatantly, publicly and obviously
Very authoritatively expressed
That I am a little way too less
Than what you thought, wanted, desired
And very religiously programmed me to be
I might as well accept
What you want me to believe.

Yes! A hundred times, yes
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am what I am what I am meant to be
With a million flaws, a gazillion errors
An absolute misfit in your world
But, does that mean I have no right
To dream, believe and love?

I crave for sleep, when you’re fast asleep
I crave for warmth, when you hug others around
I crave for smiles, when you shoot my pride
I crave and crave some more
For that’s all I have from you and more.

It’s all okay and fine
I choose to be what I am
Today and tonight
I stand for myself
Tall and strong
Wrap my self in my own warmth.

I dream. I rise. I work.
And that is what
My composition of pride
Looks like.

Sunday, 31 December 2017

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँही - 20!

जो दिल और जान आज़ादी पर क़ुर्बान है,
वो आज़ादी ना जाने किस पिंजरे पर फ़िदा है.
जिस पर फ़िदा हों, उस पर क़ुर्बान होने का ग़म कभी नहीं होता.
जब अल्फ़ाज़ों से हाल-ऐ-दिल ब्यां ना हो पाए,
तो अंदर चल रहे सैलाब को वक़्त,
और आखों को अभिव्यक्त करने का मौक़ा दे देना चाहिए.
अगर अपने हिस्से का आसमान मिल भी जाए, तब भी क्या आसमान के हिस्से होते हुए देख पाओगे?
जब दिल को दाँव पर रख कर, जान की बाज़ी खेली है, तो डर से रिशता तो तोड़ना ही पड़ेगा.
जब ज़माना नफ़रत का पैग़ाम बाटने लगे,
तो हम जैसे नाचीजों पर इश्क़ का परचम लहराने की ज़िम्मेदारी आ ही जाती है.
इश्क़, अश्क़ और इंतज़ार की वजह ढूँढने ना निकल, ना जाने कब वो मिल जाये और तू ख़ुद टूट जाए.
ज़रा सी मोहब्बत की आदत क्या पड़ी,
यह दिल तो तन्हाई का पता ही भूल गया.
भुलाते तो उन्हें हैं, जिन्हें याद किया हो,
उन्हें कैसे भुलाएँ जो यादों का वजूद हो.
ख़्वाहिशों और अर्ज़ियों के बीच ही कहीं उलझ कर रह गया वो बेचारा सुकून.

Tuesday, 19 December 2017

इश्क़ और मेरी कभी जमी नहीं!

इश्क़ और मेरी कभी जमी नहीं,
ना उसने मुझे कभी अपनी डोर से बांधा
ना मैंने कभी उसे अपनी ज़ंजीरों से जकड़ा.

हाँ, बस एक दूसरे
की आँखों में झाँक कर
उस उमहड़ते सैलाब
को देख कर ज़रा मुस्कुरा
ज़रूर लिया करते थे.

बहुत शानदार दर्पण होती है,
लेकिन ना जाने वो सब कैसे
छुपा लेती हैं
ना जाने कितने राज़
बिन बताये किसी कोने में
दबा लेती है.

लेकिन, वो उन तमाम राज़
से जो वाक़िफ़ है,
वो उन आँखों में क्या ढूँढता है?
अपना सुकून?
या मेरे वो टुकड़े
जिनका ना मुझे इल्म
है ना एहसास है?

मैं उसकी आँखों
में चाँद सी ठंडक
और सूर्य जितना तेज
देख कर मुस्कुरा लेती थी.

ऐसे ही बस आँखों
की बातें हुआ करती थी,
और अब नहीं होती.

ना उसके पास कोई लफ़्ज़ हैं,
ना मेरे पास अल्फ़ाज़,
पर एक एहसास है,
गुज़रा हुआ, बीता हुआ
और वो बहुत है.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

If you think, I don’t love you enough!

If you think
I don’t love you enough
You’re right,
Because no amount of love
Will ever be sufficient for you.

You are made for all the love
The universe and beyond
Has to offer and all my love
For you will always be
A tiny particle of
What you deserve.

For all the times
I have looked into your eyes
You have made me
Rise and shine in your love.

I am no lover,
I never was
I never will be
But for all the love
I contain, will
Always be a part of you.

Saturday, 9 December 2017

ग़ुस्से का असमंजस!

अगर तुम्हें लग रहा है
कि मेरे अंदर ग़ुस्सा भरा
है तो तुम ग़लत नहीं हो,
लेकिन सही इसलिए नहीं हो,
क्यूँकि जिसे तुम ज़रा सा ग़ुस्सा
समझ रहे हो, वो,
ग़ुस्से का सैलाब है
फटने की कगार पर है;
अगर फट गया तो
दिमाग़ की चीथड़े
और दिल के टुकड़े
हो जाएँगे
और जो ना फटा तो
अंदर सब राख हो जाएगा.

शायद इसलिए ही किसी ने
सोच समझ कर कहा था कि
ग़ुस्सा मत करना,
ग़ुस्से से कुछ अच्छा नहीं होगा,
लेकिन अब
उस दोराहे पर खड़े हो कर
यह सोच कर भी क्या.

जब फ़ैसला सिर्फ़ इस बात
का होना है,
की जल कर राख होना है
या जलते हुए को ख़ाक
होते देखना है.

Tabla: A form of love and patience!

The thing with this instrument, the Tabla is that it teaches you how important it is to love. But, more importantly it teaches you the relevance of waiting for the love of your life. It takes courage to love, huge amounts of courage. But, waiting for love takes courage, perseverance, poise, madness and strength. You have to wait, rehearse, ache to get the right note. There will be days when every ounce of you will hurt only because there is so much that you can derive from it. It’s going to make you stronger, compassionate and more importantly it will make you question your love for it which will eventually make you fall harder for it and once you start falling harder for it, the tabla makes you rise. You rise, you rise higher and then you reach a point where neither does success and happiness matter nor does your pain. All that matters is your love for the beautiful note of the tabla that you’ve been practising for years just to feel how it feels to get it just perfect!

Sunday, 3 December 2017

On that night I wanted!

That night I wanted
To scream at her,
I wanted to tell her
That I needed her
Much more than
I could ever love her.

That night I wanted
Her to stay and not leave
I wanted the time to
Help us, see each other
Heal and deal.
On that fateful night
She didn’t stay
The time refused to stop
And, so
I moved on.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Out of love - 85!

Your ignorance doesn’t hurt anymore, not sure whether numb or just immune.
There was a time when I was,
Afraid of the thought of being alone.
Today, I’m lonely and have no time
To care or think about it!
No, you aren’t an emotion. You’re the expression they use to articulate all the beautiful emotions.
What else can you do except sparing a gaze or two?
Destruction is your symbol
Of power
Construction is mine;
I will not let your power
Tame my share of offering
To the world and the universe.
When the sky comes to you, make sure you don’t make it feel like a ceiling!
You're beautiful, but it is the concept of you that satiates my eyes and soul.
If you can’t capture it recreate it.
Had you been the love of my life
I would have forgotten you,
But alas,
You’re the very essence, fragrance and concept of love that I have embraced
How do I even think of discarding, forgetting and moving away from it?
But, those eyes always meant magic to me.

Sunday, 26 November 2017

On the nights I can’t sleep!

On the nights
I can’t sleep
I thank.

I thank the person
Who I love with all
That I have
Who in return has
No time or desire to acknowledge
My love.

I thank because
Despite all odds
I have had the courage
To love
And love again
To care
And care always.

I thank because
I have known how pious
It is to love someone
Without getting anything in return
To have discovered
What unconditional feels like.

So on the nights,
I can’t sleep
I choose to thank.