Out of love - 93!

Everything you & I have been
Taught about beauty,
Lies in the death of a broken dream.
—————
Touch my wounds,
Make love to my scars
Hug my pieces,
Make me feel
What a combination of
Warmth & love
Can do.
——————-
You couldn’t have been wrong for me in any way,
Look what the pain of your memories did to me,
It forced me to build a memoir more gorgeous than your memories
And our dreams.
———————
Let me hurt till I get rid of the fear of pain,
Allow me to sink in the tides,
Test the ashes of the shattered dreams,
What else am I, if not a combination
Of some legitimate pieces
And illegitimate expression.
————————-
Burn each strand of hope,
Destroy every ray of light,
Convert those dreams into ashes,
Breathe, then
Embrace the guilt of inhaling,
Exhale all what’s yours,
Choose to survive,
Even if that’s not,
What it is to be alive.

Those who love,
Will hate,
Sleep will certainly escape,
Death wont kiss,
Let’s see how far
Do you get
While you miss
Each part you
Burnt, again and again.
——————
One day when you are free, at ease,
Just put me to sleep, without the noises & notions,
Please.
—————
How do your eyes continue to reek of magic, even after they’ve killed my faith in it?
——————
Same faces,
Similar verses,
A dash of fresh hurt,
A dollop of joy.

Routine, everyday.
—————-
Maybe in the end,
What doesn’t stay,
Isn’t yours.
——————-
If I don’t love you
Across borders,
Despite differences,
Beyond expectations.
Will I even have the
Right to call it love?

Dear Grandpa!

Dear Grandpa,

I am sorry for not writing to you in a while. I think it’s the sky this morning which wants me to pen this down for you. So, I will. It’s golden-ish-blue-ish-grey-ish in colour, reeks of acceptance.

I’ve been managing life okayish-ly, or so I believe & want you to believe too. Tabla practice isn’t very regular but, I sort of manage to play the beauty once in a while. Been a while since I had apples, nobody cuts it the way you used to do it, you know. The world is doing fine with me in it. It’s huge, I feel tiny at times, but the moon up there makes it beautiful at all times.

I’m not sure how much grace is left in my expression or is there any grace in it or not, in fact I’m not sure if it exists in me anymore or not. On some days, there is a hurricane in me & on other days it feels like a manageable cyclone, on my good days I impress myself & during better days I out to do myself, on some nights I ensure my mind is at place, functional-logical-dutiful but on some unending nights I let bits of my heart & soul takeover sometimes it’s stunning to feel what the heart can do, but usually the heart at the driving seat messes it up, reminds me of voids & pieces of my own.

Video game collection is being maintained. Stationary is well kept. Your lemon yellow kurta still sits in the corner of my wardrobe & sometimes I embrace it too, I’m told it looks nice on me. The golden watch that you wore is the most stunning watch, till date, I haven’t seen a watch as gorgeous as that till date.

Umm....I think that’s all for now. Oh yes! The promise remains as is, I will protect myself from what is not mine & not let go what is mine. Till we meet again!

Love,
Your favourite :)

I love this hour!

I love this hour,
When the moon
Makes love to the night sky,
Stars chat with each other
And I get comfortable with
The loneliness & hurricanes
That continue to rattle me.

I love this hour,
When there is
Just blank longing
For a reply from you.

I love this hour,
When the sun goes down
And the sky,
Romances with the colours.

I love this hour,
When children are taught,
Incomprehensible equations,
In the name of success
And not passion.

I love this hour,
When dreams are,
Put at stake
Under the fear
Of making ends meet.

I love this hour,
When the clock strikes 12
And the date changes
Without an ounce of change.

I love this hour,
When screams are validated
For injuries & not wounds
Where tears are legitimate
For sorrow & not for heart aches.

I love this hour.

It’s difficult, very difficult!

It’s difficult, very difficult.
Extremely illogical
Infinitely hurtful,
Yet, I choose,
What I have chosen.
No, it’s not,
What I wanted to choose,
But I’ve chosen, despite.

My heart would hurt,
Soul would burn
Mind would explode,
Yet, I choose.

There are no questions
And hence no answers,
There are no corners of solace
And hence no goodnight

This is it,
A choice, unwilling
Spine chilling

Yet, dealing, believing, being.

How do I tell you!

How do I tell you
How scared I am
Of those afternoons
In the classrooms
Which feel like a gas chamber
That suffocate & not kill.

How do I tell you,
About the times I shiver
Just with thought
That I will end up doing
What I have been dreading to
For all my life.

How do I tell you,
That each morning
When I apply the concealer
On my dark circles
It feels like a murderer
Of those dreams which
I have nurtured all this while.

How do I tell you,
How cowardly I feel
On not being able to
Shatter the glass ceiling
Which you have built for me.

How do I tell you,
About the cyclones & hurricanes
That I contain, which have broken
But not shattered me as yet

How do I tell you,
Do I even tell you,
Do I need to tell you?
Can’t you just see?

Out of love - 92!

For the world to work in harmony,
Someone will have to
Consume the poison
Contain the hate that surrounds
Shatter their dreams
And choose to breathe
As they practice
The art which reeks
Of love, peace & harmony.
————-
Magic is what you choose to see without watching.
———————-
What can a warrior do,
But brave a war,
Or just crave to be back home
Even if it’s wrapped in a flag.
——————
I wish someone, someday, sometime
Brushes a flower, wet in the morning dew
On your wounds which have forgotten
What care, warmth & ease feels like.
Someone, someday, sometime, I wish.
———————————
If one heart needs to be broken,
One dream needs to be shattered
Let it be mine,
For if it’s yours
Two dreams & two hearts
Will be destroyed,
Irreparably, inconsolably, immediately.
———————
Just like the
Clouds kiss the mountains
The morning dew kisses the flowers
One day,
Your dreams will kiss you,
Softly, smoothly, beautifully.
——————
Minutes before slaughter,
Trees were watered
For no one deserves to
Die craving for what is meant for all.
———————
When wars become routine,
Bravery becomes a habit.
—————
But do you have the courage to work over the pieces of me
——————
Beyond the battleground,

There exists a world.

Where sky romances the trees 

And

The water makes love to the land.

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही-24!

ना इस लम्हे में तुम्हें चैन मिलेगा
ना उस पल में आराम आएगा
इस अंधी दौड़ में ना जाने
किसको इत्मिनान नसीब होगा.
—————-
हम तो उनकी फ़रमाइश को फ़रमान समझा करते थे,
और वो थे की हमें अपने इश्क़ को
अपना तक कहने नहीं देते थे.
——————
नींद, चैन और इत्मिनान की आहूती तो उसी दिन चढ़ा दी थी,
जिस दिन हमने उनकी आँखों में सब देखा
और उन्होंने हमारे होने तक का इल्म ना हुआ.
—————-
इश्क़ था इसलिए शायद
इतनी आसानी से तुम
चले गए और हम बिखर गये
नफ़रत होती तो ना आज
तुम रिहा होते और ना मैं तन्हा
————————-
तेरी ख़ुशी में मेरा हिस्सा,
हो या ना हो,
मुझे फ़र्क़ नहीं पड़ता
लेकिन तेरे हर ज़ख़्म, हर दर्द, हर दुःख
पर मेरा हक़ है.
————-
चलो आज इतना तो
इत्मिनान हो गया
की अब तुम कमसे कम
तन्हा तो नहीं हो,
ख़ुश हो शायद
मैं भी आज ख़ुश
हूँ या ना हूँ
परेशान तो नहीं हूँ
आख़िर अब तुम्हें चैन
मिल गया
अब मेरी फ़िक्र का
क्या फ़ायदा?
————
ख़्वाबों को दफ़्न कर
साँसों की क़ीमत अता
कर रही हूँ
बस इतना एहसान करना
इस लेन देन को
ज़िंदगी का नाम
ना देना.
————-
सपनों को या तो पूरा कर लीजिए,
या मार दीजिए,
ये अधूरे रह जाएँ,
तो इतना मारते हैं की
ना मरा जाए और जिया तो ख़ैर क्या जायेगा.
—————-
अभी उम्र ही क्या हुई है,
जो अभी से लगने लगा
कि उम्र बीत गयी उनके प्यार में.
———————
पहले हुआ करता था तुम्हारा पता,
मेरे सुकून का,
अब तो जब भी बेचैन होती हूँ,
तुम्हारा ही नाम ले लेती हूँ,
बेचैनी और दर्द का अच्छा बहाना हो तुम, अब.

Out of love - 91!

What are answers if not un-phrased questions?
————-
On the days I’m in pain,
I re-read our conversations
And miraculously enough
The pain translates into hurt.
And thus you continue to be
My waiver of pain, anyway.
Such a constant, you!
—————-
Throw away those pieces of you that shatter self.
———————-
Too strong for the dark, too weak for the light, amidst the grey; I manage to survive.
—————
But when the bravest soldiers lose the battles to win wars, they become losers wearing a mask of victory.
———————
Dreams have become
Just like the morning dew
Which seems to be fresh for
The world & mundane for
Each leaf it falls on.

Maybe it was just
A phase when I thought
I could chase,
Dreams.
——————
But those who brave hurricanes aren’t rattled by storms.
—————-
Battlegrounds aren’t meant
To offer anything beyond,
Killed souls, wounded warriors
And the good old fake pride.
———————
More than a hundred volcanoes have exploded within & have hardened each soft corner of the heart. Do you think these petty storms will still be able to rattle me?
————————-
Weak in the knees
Trembling interiors of the heart
I walk towards the battleground
This time to lose the war,
And conquer the damn fears.

Resembling a loser,
Feeling a loser,
Chasing the lust
Of victory,
As always.

One Day, Some Day!

One day,
Some day,
I will find the words
For us,
The kind of words
That don’t bind us
But connect us
Across borders,
Through rivers,
Beyond galaxies.

Those words will be simple
Very very simple,
Yet real, the kind of words
That will not need a dictionary
They’d be good with a gentle glance
They’ll touch your soul,
Massage my heart
And in this we will find our joy,
Our share of happiness & solace.

Those words won’t be written
That story won’t be told
It’ll be a moment,
A miracle, filled with magic
Reeking of sparkle & home
Those set of words will
Come to us,
One day,
Some day.

Solider!

Who are you to call yourself
A solider, you wretched coward.
Your wars are lost,
Your battles remain un-fought
Yet you address
Your combination of blood & bones
As a solider?

You moron, you loser, you cheat
How did you ever think
That there existed a solider
In your soul
As you once claimed it to be.

But, now that you’ve been
Told to believe that you
Are neither a warrior
Nor a solider
What have you chosen to be?

A soft murmur, a gentle hug
Reassures, that soldiers
Are never born, they’re built
By their own power & strength
And to me, I am a solider
Who has chosen to step in
The battle field
And that is enough of a reason
To believe that I will
Continue to be a solider
Till the time
I prove my blood & sweat,
Equally.

Out of love - 90!

Now, I use my unacknowledged love for you to my benefit,
The blood oozing out of the cracks in my heart,
Is now the ink I use to create a bit of art & magic.
—————
On some days,
Words & hope fail
To heal the bruises
Of the soul,
On those days
Give silence & darkness
A fair chance,
They deserve it after all.
———————
Look at that moon,
which stays still,
at ease,
hopefully at peace,
while you & I run
each day on the roads we hate,
towards the destinations we dread
Breathless, scared, functional.
——————-
Thrash me hard
Scold me loud & clear
Smash my passions
Set my dreams ablaze
And, then, sit back
And watch how my
Aspirations rise from ashes
Like a pheonix
In the open sky.
———————-
Break my Hands & my legs
Don’t spare my heart for it has sinned
To dream, to aspire & to believe
Derive pleasure as you see me break
And then watch me resist shattering
For I will conquer, what I choose to
As & when I need to.
—————————
Beyond boundaries, across borders,
Just where the passion kisses profession.
I will find myself, performing for Satan.
——————
To the nights we spent moon gazing, as I kept my heavy head on your right shoulder while you played with my hair with your left hand while repeating your oh so favourite dialogue, “Right side is for the weight, the left is for the therapy” & I as usual would not buy that because what’s with the left and the right when there is just darkness and no light to which you’d say “I love this genre of loyalty by the night sky it’s always dark, unlike the days which are bright on some, gloomy on others. Shouldn’t the darkness be goals for being so loyal, so pure, so therapeutic?” to which I’d just nod & be. To the nights that translated to gloomy days & to the moments that are now just memories of......our erstwhile wounds & current scars.
————————-
That’s the thing with dreams,
They don’t die,
You will have to kill them,
Bit by bit, piece by piece, part by part
Till the time you haven’t slaughtered it will
Your sleep won’t kiss you,
And once you have murdered it
A good night’s sleep will kiss
And your heart will continue
To exist just like a stranded lover
Broken, hurting, functional.
————————
You and I,
Are like the sun & the moon
Living apart
Staying together, always.
————————
Between heaven & hell,
Lie your dreams in a tiny nutshell.

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही-23!

वो जो ज़िंदगी से धड़कन चुरा ले गये,
आज पूछ रहे हैं के सब ख़ैरियत है या नहीं
कोई ज़रा उन्हें बता दे की साँस क़ायम है
तो बस ज़िंदा भर हैं.
——————
हर टूटा ख़्वाब,
उस उधुरी ख़्वाहिश की
गवाही देगा जिसे मैंने
चाहा था पर पाने की
हिमाक़त ना की.
—————
वो कह रहे हैं, होश में आओ
अरे! कोई ख़बर उन्हें
की अगर हम होश में अभी गए
तो क्या वो सच्चाई से
लड़ने साथ आएँगे
या यूँ ही हमारे
सुकून का दम घोटने का मन है उनका
————-
ज़िंदगी में एक रोज़ उम्मीद
ख़फ़ा भी हो जाए तो ग़म नहीं,
लेकिन उस रोज़ जिस दिन
ज़िंदगी की उम्मीद ख़त्म हो जाएगी
तो साँसों के बोझ को कैसे संभालियेगा.
——————
अगर तेरी हिफ़ाज़त की होती मैंने,
तो एक रोज़ तुझे दग़ा देने का
ख़याल शायद ज़हन में आ जाता
पर तेरी तो इबादत की है मैंने
अब बता क्या करूँ?
टूट के बिखर जाऊँ,
या तेरे इंतज़ार
में ज़िंदगी बसर करदूँ.
——————
अब वो हमें शुक्रिया बोलने लगे हैं, ज़रा चाँद से पूछो की उस अंधेरी रात ने उससे कुछ कहा भी है या अब तक बस गिड-गिड़ा ही रहा है उसके क़दमों तले.
————-
उसे क़ैद तो कभी किया ना था,
पर आज उसको रिहा कर,
ख़ुद आज़ाद हो रही हूँ.
——————-
कम से कम दग़ा तो वफ़ादारी से देते.
——————
उनके ज़ख़्म गहरे थे,
इसलिए शायद
अशकों में तब्दील हो गए
हमारे पायाब घाव
तो बस कहीं
तन्हाई में ही दफ़न
होते रहे.
—————
हमें तो उनकी नफ़रत भी नसीब नहीं,
कभी इश्क़ होता तब तो नफ़रत पनपती
उन्होंने तो हमें कभी तवज्जो ही ना दी
ना इश्क़ मिला ना नफ़रत.

Of Passions & Power!

You talk of passions & powers,
Have you ever felt what
The craving of an unaccomplished dream
Can make you do
Can it drive you crazy?
Can it push you to the limits
That you dreaded?

If you haven’t you’re blessed,
If you have you’re blessed especially,
You know how to fight numbness,
You’ve fought the days when
Hope has left you
You know how to brave
The days when the oxygen
Leaves your lungs
Without having an impact
On your breathing.

They’d know you as
Perfectly functional
Your concealers would
Hide all that needs to
Be not shown,
But, those insides
That scream & screech
As you stomp over your
Heart & dreams
Fooling yourself as if
All is well
Will they ever forgive you
For murdering them each day?

Out of love - 89!

‪Don’t invest your time in disposing off the ashes of those memoirs which have lost their meaning a while ago. Revisiting, disposing is time consuming it doesn’t deserve that.‬
—————
But what are patterns if not a combination of unfinished-unarticulated dreams.
—————
But what is love,
If not a combination
Of miseries,
Uncontrollable amounts of desires
And most of all the urge to give.
 —————-
Do not fight battles in which you feel like a warrior’s horse and not the warrior.
——————-
When you unwind a crumbled sheet of paper,
be careful,
you’re opening up what has been crushed.
It’s going to be full of wounds and scars,
stretch with compassion,
rub your hand with ease,
it’ll open up,
just as you want it to be.
————————-
Wars won’t be wars without wounded warriors!
——————-
She once meant
Miracle & magic
She could eliminate
Everything tragic.
But, today she
Cut open my heart
Pierced the softest
Corners in which
She had poured
All her love
All this while.
———————-
You can only kill your demons
And win those wars
If they are around or a part of you
Not when you’re the demon & the war
You lose, you toxic fool.
—————
Who are we to drool over the storm that ditched, when we ourselves are beholders of hurricanes. ———————-
Eyes were trying to lie with the lips, I had no option but to fall for it.

That day, she gave up!

That day, she gave up
She gave up on me
The idiot she once
Called her best friend.

She gave up because
Her best friend had
Become toxic and
Had buried all sense of logic.

She gave up because
Things had changed
And we couldn’t
Be all that sane.

She left, she went away
With all that we built
And nurtured
With and against time.

All the time and wine
We spent, which was
Once surreal
Now felt like boulders

That night, I slept for 18 hours
Maybe because
I lacked the courage
To accept, so I slept.

I slept, I am told
She wept, I bled
We were hurting
We still are.

But, then we used to
Hurt and play together
Today, we are the
Hurt for each other.

I am the reason
For her pain
I am what I
Never wanted to be

It is a month today
I haven’t slept and
I still haven’t slept
In peace for a single day

A month, I survived
I hope she did too
It’s time she moves on
For she doesn’t deserve toxicity.

She isn’t meant for poison
And if her ex-best friend
Is poison, now
She better be gone.

She is for flowers
And the skies
For all the peace
And beautiful butterflies.

                                        

Your words don’t matter!

Your words don’t matter
The patterns you create
Reek of the nasty scars
Of those un-fought obnoxious
battles.

Warrior you claim to be
You loser, of all wars
What else did you think
You would ever be?

You burnt what healed
You destroyer of peace
And ease
Go survive, with ashes
And skulls
That is all your need be.

You’re hurting you say,
Aren’t you the pain
To the world that is
Bleeding it’s heart away.

You selfish monster
Rot, with your ashes
Fill your wounds with
The remains of wars
For you’ve burnt
Whatever that was yours

Follow Your Heart Till It Boomerangs!

I've often heard people bask in the glory of this concept of following the heart. Be fearless, be bold do what you want to. This concept has been so beautifully packaged that it actually gets each bit of the individual. While this best deal of follow your heart was doing rounds around me I decided to fall for the trap.

But, what happens next?

It boomerangs, right in the face. You know why? Because, it wasn't/ isn't packaged as a plan. It is raw, as in the heart. Things that are raw are never ready for the market, you may choose to read market as society because that is what it actually refers to.

Live, fall, rise, do, be but do none in the name of heart.

While this may sound very weird but the heart in the human body is also caged by the rib cage. There can be 2 ways to decode this. First, the heart is so fragile that it needs to be protected by a cage so that it doesn't get damaged; Second, it's a trap!

Whichever the case maybe, the fact of the matter is, are we ready as a society except the vulnerability or the fragility of the heart? The bigger question here is that should these complications stop you from listening to what your heart beats for? Ummm...probably no! But, some coordination between mind and heart is always a good idea. Listen to your heart, let your head make a package out it and boom, you're all ready to deal with the market.

Here’s to more dreams, stronger passions and beautiful scars! Cheers.

Out of love - 88!

The pieces of my heart still ache, because I never fell in love with you, I knew I drowned in it and that continues to be the most beautiful feeling, ever. The pain, the craving all worth it, still!
———————-
You will heal,
So will your mind, body & soul
But, will that silence your mind’s scream?
——————
You can’t hold everything,
But what you can,
Is yours.
—————
With whom would I share my silences and emptiness had it not been you, Moon?
———————
The question remains as is,
You want to find yourself
Or want to lose yourself?
——————-
Some explosions are meant for the inside, they’d blast, destroy, finish, hurt & convert everything into ash but there will be no smoke. There’ll be nothing left within & it’ll be all so good on the outside. That. That exactly is the most powerful thing ever.
———————
No, it’s not you. It’s the pieces of you that are hurting tonight. Don’t you recall you are broken? It’s not you in a single piece, it’s the shredded you in a million pieces and so a million times painful pain.
—————-
Tonight I’m jealous of this breeze
Which is going to kiss you in your sleep
And leave you with a craving for more of
ease and peace.
———————
The fire within doesn’t even reduce you to ashes, it just burns and burns some more and just keeps on burning, destroying, being.
——————-
Her voice heals the cracks in me,
Where else will I find my therapy?

Victory: A Loss!

The battles we are
Fighting are not for
Victory
For you and I will hurt
The parts of us
That we have nurtured
Together will break
And there will be no one
To tape the wounds
That we make
On each other.

The boulders in the chest
The pressure building up
In the head
The pieces of the heart
The restlessness of the soul
All the ordinary moments spent
And the beautiful memories
Cherished.

Is it worth the war
Is it worth the pain
And the scars
Is it worth the unwept tears
And the infinite craving of love
For hours?

Are we nothing but a battle?
Are we just a fragile combination
Not ready, to compromise on
Our dreams and desires?

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही-22!

तेरे हक़ में ना जाने कब से दुआ कर रही हूँ,
की तेरी सलामती का ख़याल ही मेरे क्लब का इत्मिनान है.
————-
वफ़ा की उम्मीद ना तब थी ना अब है, तू बेवफ़ा रहे पर हमेशा आबाद रहे बस यही दुआ है.
——————
उस दिल के चीथड़े तुम क्या करोगे जिस दिल को चीर कर हमने सिर्फ़ तुम्हारे लिए रखा है.
—————
ना जाने कैसा प्यार हो तुम, कि तूफ़ान की तरह आते हो, तबाह करते हो और फिर चले जाते हो. ना जाने कैसी हवा हूँ मैं की तुम कितने भी नाशकारी क्यूँ ना हो मैं साथ ही रह जाती हूँ. चाहती नहीं हूँ, बस रह जाती हूँ. तुम ठीक नहीं हो, तुम ग़लत हो, दर्दनाक हो, ख़तरनाक हो, पर क्या वो हवा छोड़ पायी है उस तूफ़ान का साथ, जो मैं कर पाऊँगी?
———————
क्लब को इत्मिनान,
दिल को चैन,
तो आ ही जाएगा
वक़्त बीत जाएगा
हर ज़ख़्म भर जाएगा
पर दिमाग़ में
उमड़ते हुए तूफ़ान
का क्या कीजियेगा?
वो आएगा,
सब तबाह कर जायेगा
और आप फिर
सुकून के क़रीब
जाने के जुस्तजू
में जुट जाइयेगा
—————
बस एक नज़र देख ले, की मैं भी देखना चाहती हूँ कि दुआ क़बूल हो तो वो एहसास क्या है.
——————-
ग़म इस बात का नहीं
की दिन ख़त्म हो जाता है
बस अब शाम की आदत नहीं
तो चाँद की ना मौजूदगी
खटकती है
रात की राहत को
तरसता है मेरा मन
अंधेरे में बस ढूँढता है
अपने आपको
तारों के सहारे
उम्मीद को जीता है मन
——————-
उन्हें भुलाने की नाकाम कोशिशों का
सिलसिला ख़त्म हो गया हो,
तो ज़रा ग़ौर उन यादों पर फ़रमाइयेगा,
जिन्होंने आपको रातों को करवटें बदलने
और दिन में बेचैन होने के अलावा,
किसी और लायक ना छोड़ा
वो तो चले गए बिन अलविदा कहे
और आप है की उम्मीद तक
को दफ़न नहीं कर पा रहे हैं.
————-
अगर तुम्हारी मुस्कान की क़ीमत
मेरा दर्द है,
तो मुझे मेरे दर्द से
ज़्यादा अज़ीज़ कुछ नहीं.
—————-
वो जो ज़िंदगी से धड़कन चुरा ले गये,
आज पूछ रहे हैं के सब ख़ैरियत है या नहीं
कोई ज़रा उन्हें बता दे की साँस क़ायम है
तो बस ज़िंदा भर हैं.