Wednesday 28 February 2018

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ बस यूँ ही - 21!

हर मर्ज़ को मिटा देने वाली दवाई तो मिल जाएगी,
लेकिन हर दर्द से रिहा करने वाली औषधि कब आयेगी?
——-
रत्ती भर उम्मीद से गुफ़्तगू क्या हुई,
हमने तो वक़्त के हक़ में क़सीदे पढ़ने
से ही फ़ारिक ना हुए.
———-
क्या जानते हो क्लब के बारे में जो उसे सुकून पहुँचाने की होड़ में रातों की नींद और दिन का चैन रोज़ नीलाम किये चले जा रहे हो.
————
कुछ वक़्त देना चाहती हूँ अपने आपको, अपने ज़ख़्मों को, अपनी धड़कनों को. उन ज़ख़्मों को वक़्त देना है जिन पर वक़्त के साथ बस धूल जम गयी है. अब शायद कुरेदने पर भी दर्द ना हो, लेकिन ज़ख़्म तो फिर भी ज़ख़्म है उसे भरना होगा उसे इस बात का एहसास दिलाना होगा की वो भी किसी जीती लड़ाई या किसी सीखे हुए सबक़ की निशानी है.
———
दाद तो मैं उस चाँद की देती हूँ जिसे ना घटने का ख़ौफ़ है ना ग़ायब होने का. बस अंधेरे में लिपटा हुआ तन्हाई में मुस्कुराता हुआ हमें चंद लमहों के सुकून और अपने अंदर के तूफ़ान से रिहा कर चला जाता है.
——————
जब ख़ुद का दिमाग़ ही तमाशा देखता रहे तो ग़ैरों के ज़माने को क्या और क्यों दोष दें.
—————-
हमारे इश्क़ का आलम तो देखिए जनाब, पहले हम उनके देखने का इंतज़ार करते थे अब हम उनके देख के अनदेखा करने का इंतज़ार करते हैं.
————-
तुम्हारी याद में बेचैन होना और तुम्हारे इंतज़ार में सुकून ढूँढने की आदत पड़ गयी है मुझे.
—————-
इत्मिनान और क्लब के बीच की दूरी मिटाने के दरमियाँ सुकून कहीं खो गया और मैं गुमराह हो गयी.
————-
जिन पर ऐतबार था उन्हें,
हमारे होने से ही ऐतराज था.

Thursday 22 February 2018

But even if you don’t!

But even if you don’t conquer your storms, 
they will still pass;
Might break a part or two of you,
but aren’t you broken already? 
A crack in the soul
A few wounds in the heart
A bit of restlessness in the head
And that’s all that the storms can do
Shouldn’t you give them a chance
To do all that they can
And choose not to conquer
But float for a bit
With all your aches and pains
Exposed to the light, heat and dark.


Haven’t you given up on
Fighting with yourself
Hasn’t it been too long
Aren’t you done with the
Time you’ve given yourself
To heal and deal with all this?

Wednesday 21 February 2018

It takes time!

It takes time,
To heal, to accept
To collect the pieces
Of your own self.

It takes time,
To believe
A lover is gone
The faith you had
Has vanished
As if it never was.

It takes time,
To escape
The vicious circle
Of the truth that
Has the power
To shred you
In more pieces
Than you can count.

It takes time,
To stitch
Yourself with the same
Needle that has been
Pricked in your heart.

It takes time,
To fight back
For some days
You just float
Without being what
You could and are.

It takes time,
Sometimes a lot
And
The rest of the times
More than a lot.



Monday 12 February 2018

#ReleaseThePressure: It Is Not Worth It!

Yes! That's my provisional certificate, yes that's a second division and yes this is how it is. It has been two years to the result, nobody has asked me about it during any of my job interviews or internships. But, yes a certain set of people continue to ask-relish-dwell in it, for the reason best known to them.
I will not say that the result didn't matter to me, because duh! it did. It did quite a lot. I was disappointed with it despite being prepared for the same.

I had 73.5% in 12th and so I was obviously not allowed to expect some revolutionary score in my graduation. They had told me, for someone like you 90s shouldn't even be in the mind. They have been absolutely correct in saying so, amidst all the disappointment and shame I brought to them, this bit of keeping their word, I managed. I never got a 90% aggregate, LOL. Moreover, I wasn't even new to all this. Back then in school it was not only this bunch but an entire school faculty who had declared me as a loser. I am just glad that in college things changed. At least, professors stood by, people loved and all beautiful things happened.

It was probably the first time I realized there was more to me apart from being a dumb head at academics. A couple of professors counseled me, so many seniors stood by me even as I ranted and a huge gang of friends loved me despite all odds. I have been the department representative even after I scored shit marks in my semester exams. I was told that if I want to do what I want to, marks won't matter. That was the first time someone said that to me in the staff room, I was relieved like never before. But, all this happened in college!!

I had spent 14 years in school and nobody had the courage to say, 'That your low score will not kill you'. They chose to call up my parents to tell them how terrible I was at academics. This wasn't even new for them they had been a part of this drill since 6th grade, every second week they would call them up saying that I had failed in some subject. One of the teachers once said that its best if I repeat the year because that is going to be less embarassing than failing. YES! SHE SAID THAT. Surprisingly! I didn't feel weird after that maybe I had become immune to all of this. So, it wasn't that bad as I think of it now.

But, yes, if I am asked that will I ever be okay with taking my school's name as a part of a nice phase or something that happened for the good, then I am sorry that cannot happen. I am no God, I hated my school back then and I continue to hate it till date. IT SCREWED EXACTLY FOURTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I am a very proud-happy-alumni of the college I was a part of and have immense love and gratitude for it. It's THE reason for all the good that has happened. It has been and continues to be the best part of life and as far as I think it is going to remain that way.

I did some very interesting internships during college, learnt a lot and had a lot more fun. There was nobody who asked me about what I wanted to do with life or why I was in a particular college or how much I had scored in boards etc. I felt relieved, as if a boulder had been lifted from my chest. I met some amazing people as mentors, the people I still rush back to when I’m drowned in my mess. Yes! They still choose to stay with me, they still help me and they still wish good for me and yes, I know this for a fact.

If you know me you would know my relationship with Triveni Kala Sangam, even if you don’t I am sure you would have seen pictures of it I keep posting on Social Media. I found peace in that place, it felt like home, I felt beautiful, I felt at ease and most importantly I felt that I had the ability to not feel not okay.

Yes! It was that bad before college and Triveni.

Then came my first job, it was okayish. I was a content writer and the junior social media manager for a startup called Craterzone. My first salary was 20k and I was okay with it too. I worked there for a month and realised that I didn’t want to do something like that.

My second job was with the India Today Group, I worked there as a social media consultant for an year and it was lovely. I learnt a lot, met some nice and some very nice people and most importantly realised how important it is to be passionate. I saw people work for 18 hours at a stretch, I met people who would work for 12 hours for a video of 5 mins so that it could go viral and so much more

And currently I am with The Quint as a desk writer.

In all these events not a single person has asked me how much did I score in boards or in college, but unfortunately in every gathering I do find a bunch of people who are so interested in the moments of past that I fail to understand how un important the present is for them.

Anyway, grateful for all the good that has happened and for all the lessons that I learnt when less good happened. Immense gratitude for people who stayed and for the ones who chose to leave for the better. Shoutout and bear hugs for those who were there literally always and helped me survive on the days when the storm within overpowered me and I sincerely hope that I be there for you always.

Someone once told me: “There is no other way the world exists but in harmony”. I believe the person who said this and so I obviously believe in this too. Hope you believe this too, it’s beautiful. No?

Here’s hoping for harmony within and around. Love, peace, moon salutes and smiles, always!

P.S: My 12th board roll number: 5647753 (Batch of 2013)
My college exam roll number: 4121450036 (Batch of 2016)

You can check my marks anytime you want to.
Peace.

#ReleaseThePressure

Tuesday 6 February 2018

For how long will you?

For how long will you dig the gold?
Out out of the cracks in your soul

For how long will you avoid healing?
So that can stop lusting for that good feeling

For how long will you fight yourself?
To give the right answers to them

For how long will you not weep?
To keep up with that notion of strength

For how long will you breathe?
Just to exist and not live

For how long will you chase?
The degree and not the dream

For how long will you walk?
On the pieces of your heart

For how long will you look at the clock?
That just passes time without feeling fine

For how long will you?