Saturday, 30 July 2016

कभी बताया नहीं आपको!

कभी बताया नहीं आपको
की आपकी कितनी याद आती है
ये बात शायद
अँधेरी रातों
मे चमकते हुए
चंद तारों को ही
पता है

और वैसे भी
अब आप दीखते कहाँ है
जो कोई बात आपसे करी जाए
आप तो खुश होंगे
उस दुनिया में भी

हर हाल में
मुस्कुराने की वजह
ढूँढना तो आपकी
काफी पुरानी आदत है
अब तक तो काफी खुशियाँ
ढूँढ ही ली होगी आपने

मुझे याद पता नहीं
करते हैं या नहीं आप
पर मेरा गीला तकिया
इस बात का गवाह है की
मुझे आपकी कमी से ज्यादा
शायद ही कोई और चीज़
है जो इस वक़्त खल रही हो

आज जब इतनी बैचैनी
हो रही है
सब कुछ फिसलता हुआ
नज़र आ रहा है
तब कोई एक भी
ऐसा नहीं है
जो मुझे गले से
लगा कर शांत करा सके

अगर जाना ही था
तो तनहा रहने की
आदत ही डलवा जाते
क्यूँ लगवाई अपनी आदत
जब साथ निभाना ही नहीं था? 

Friday, 29 July 2016

Don't go, please?

I know
You are going,
Going to
A better place
A better world
A place where
You will be free
From all your
Pain and agony.

You will find
Your share of
Peace and solace there.

I still don't
Want you to go
I don't,
I can't see you

I know
I am being selfish
Very very selfish
But, in our case
You were the one
Who was
In fact still is
I have always
Been selfish.

Texting you anytime
Calling you in the most
Weird situations and hours
Without even thinking
That you could be
Busy or messed up too.

But, you know what!
It's your fault,
Yes! Your fault.

You never told me
To shut up
Stopped me from
Being clingy all the time.

You were ALWAYS there
The kind of always
Which one can
Only find in
Fictional fairy tales
But, you like
An absolute douche
Made it real for me.

When you are being
Selfish for once
I just cant handle it.

You're going to a
Happier place
A place where
You would be
The light
Where no pain
Will be able to
Touch you.

But, still.
Please tolerate the
Terrible, mean and horrible me
For some more time, atleast
I need you
I love you
I want you.

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Them, the ends!

I try to
Meet and reach
Them before it's
Too late
You know how
This time is
Impatient and restless
Making me feel
Like a loser
All the time.

It's always late
Before I reach them
It's usually gone
Before I can see them
It's annoying
To begin a new chapter
Without reaching it.

But it still is
The way it is
Shameless and unstoppable.

Despite everything
That I do
And try do
I just miss

THEM, the ends.

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

अब मुझे इंतज़ार नहीं है!

अब मुझे इंतज़ार नहीं है
क्यूँकि इंतज़ार वहाँ होता है
जहाँ उम्मीद हो
और अब उम्मीदों को
मुह मोड़े काफ़ी मुद्दत
हो गयी है।

मायूस नहीं हूँ
और अगर हूँ भी
तो ठीक हो जाऊँगी,
नहीं भी हुई
तो क्या फ़र्क पड़ेगा
वक्त तो ना
तब रुका था
ना अब रुकेगा।

ज़िदगी हो या जंग
लड़ना और बढ़ना
तो पड़ता ही है
कभी मर्ज़ी से
और कभी
मजबूरी से।

Saturday, 23 July 2016

Wait, live and smile!

I love you,
In fact,
I love you, very much
And hence,
I will not enforce
My love on you,
Will I bind you to love me.

You are free
Go on,
Love the one
You really love.

I fell in love
With you
You rise
In love with
The one
You really love.

It doesn't matter to you
But, just so you know
I am there for you
Forever and always
Whether you care or not
I will still be there
I love you
And that's enough
For a reason
To wait,
And smile.

Friday, 22 July 2016

I learn from coffee!

There's something strange
About a cup of hot coffee
It has taught me how
Sinfully beautiful it is
To be bitter and sweet

Everytime I add
A sachet of brown sugar
And a cube of white sugar
I realise how important
It is to adapt to a change
Not for perfection,
But for learning
The importance of
Losing self
And being free
Of the burden
Of identity.

As I stir
My creamy latte
To mix sugar
At my own pace
Sometimes, slowly
Sometimes, rigorously,
I realise the importance
Of being zero
And the relevance of
Being in motion
Without moving from
Your location or place.

How I wish
I was like coffee,
Selfless, sinful and beautiful
All together.

Thursday, 21 July 2016

ना जाने ऐसा क्या हुआ!

ना जाने मुझसे ऐसा
क्या हो गया
की मेरा मानो सब कुछ ही
खो गया

ना नींद आती है ना चैन,
बस दिन रात उस गलती को
समझने की कोशिश करती हूँ
जो मैंने शायद की ही नहीं है

तुम को शायद खो दिया है मैंने
या फिर शायद कभी पाया ही नहीं था
पर वो जो पल साथ बिताये थे
शायद उन्हीं ने ज़िन्दगी का मतलब सिखाया था

चलो, खैर अब तो
" गुज़र गयी गुजरान
क्या झोपडी क्या मकान "
वाली बात है

तुम जहाँ भी हो खुश रहो
मैं तुम्हारी यादों के साथ
अपनी तन्हाई को मिटा लूंगी
मैं भी सांसें तो आखिर ले ही लूंगी 

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Out of love - 59!

I am waiting for those grey ticks to turn blue again, so that I'm officially back to my pieces and from there I can restart building myself, yet again.
If I ever say I am not waiting for you, just put a mirror in front of me. I will automatically confront that pretentious me!
You are my priority just because I made you one. Simple.
Step by step
Minute by minute
I will climb the
That takes me
Closer to my dreams
Sometimes denial is divine, really.
I have left that place,
Where evidences of
Your memories resided.
What do I do
With the traces
Of them
Which keep
Haunting me
All day?
I keep silent when you ignore me loud and clear, just because I care more about your ego and less about my heart break.
Whenever you have a choice between magic & mind. Choose magic. Mind is wicked, anyway.
The unslept, and almost unwept nights, that I have spent, waiting for you, have actually made me realise how beautiful it is to mean nothing to what means everything to you.
Chat archived. Contact hidden. Photos deleted. Yet, prayers were always done to keep its smile intact. But, they thought she had moved on. 

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

कुछ अलफ़ाज़, बस यूँ ही -11!

आज फिर नींद नहीं आई
तुम्हारी याद फ़िरसे जो आ गयी
ना जाने कब तक होगा ये
जब तक भी, होगा तब तक चैन
ना मुझे मिलेगा
ना ही नींद को।
फिर तोड़ दिया? अभी ही तो उन कोनों पे गोंद लगायी थी जहाँ से मुब्बत की जगह तड़प से पनपने वाला इंतज़ार बहा करता था। खैर, तुमने तो आज फिर अपना इतिहास दोहरा ही दिया। मेरा दिल जो एक बार फिर तोड़ दिया।
ये तुम्हारे लौट आने का इंतज़ार ही तो है, जिसने मेरी हिम्मत और बेबसी दोनों को एक साथ कायम रखा है।
अब तो ईद का चाँद भी आ गया, ना जाने तुम्हारी बेहद कीमती मुस्कान कब लौट कर आयेगी।
ये जो तुम्हारी यादें हैं, जो मैंने और तुमने साथ में मिलकर बनायी थी उनका मैं क्या करूँ? ये यादें तो मुझे तुम्हारी कमी से भी ज्यादा खल रही हैं ।
दर्द को अश्कों में बहाने के बजाए अल्फ़ाज़ों में तबदील किया जाए तो ज्यादा जल्दी सुकून मिलता है।
तूफ़ान तो बस ज़िदगी में आया करते हैं, बाकी सब तो बस हवा के झोके हैं ।
इंतज़ार बहुत बुरी चीज है। लेकिन जिस दिन इंतज़ार की उम्मीद भी चली गयी क्या सांस लेने की उम्मीद भी बचेगी।
दिल मस्जिद, इश्क नमाज़, तेरी आँखों का सुकून अल्लाह |
मेरी खामोशी में इतने आँसू और चीखें छुपी हैं, कि जिस दिन ये टूटी , उस दिन कुछ ऐसा होगा जो ना मैं सम्हाल पाऊँगी ना तुम।

Monday, 18 July 2016

साझेदारी नहीं, समझदारी!

सही कहते हैं वो
जो मुझे बेवक़ूफ़
और नासमझ कहते हैं .

मैं नासमझ ही हूँ
क्यूंकि जब सब
समझदारी को पाने
के लिए दौड़ रहे थे
मैं रिश्तों की
मिठास और साझेदारी की
चादर ओढ़ कर
सो रही थी.

आज फिर एक बार तुमने
सिखा, दिखा, और समझा दिया
कि रिश्ते साझेदारी नहीं
समझदारी से निभाये जाते हैं.

चलो, कोई बात नहीं
तुम तो खैर हो ही समझदार
मैं ठहरी नासमझ और बेवक़ूफ़
तुरी एक आवाज़ पर दौड़ी
चली आने वाली.

खैर, कोई नहीं
एक बार आज फिर तोड़ दिया
तुमने वो जो
मैंने इतने मुश्किल से जोड़ने
की तमाम नाकाम कोशिशें
करीं थी.

हाँ, हाँ
वही दिल जिसे अब
तुम्हारी आदतों और हरकतों
की वजह से अब
टूटने की आदत ही
हो गयी है.

अगर फिर कभी
लगे की ज़रुरत है
मेरी या मेरी साँसों
तो फिर याद कर लेना
मैं फिर आ जाउंगी .

और फिर तुम्हे अपने आप
अपना दिल और अपनी जान
देने के लिए तैयार हो जाउंगी.

तुम फिर ले लेना
जो चाहो
मैं तो वैसे भी
बेवक़ूफ़ ही हूँ.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Sometimes, somedays, somewhere!

I don't want you
To be there
With me
Always and forever.

It's been a while
I lost faith in them
But, am I wrong
When I expect you
To be there

On somedays,
I somewhere
Crave for your essence.

The essence of
Your presence
That compliments
And completes
My smile,

I miss you
I love you
Every second
I need you
Sometimes too.

Just sometimes
On somedays
Can I expect
A part of

Friday, 15 July 2016

I love you!

I love you,
You may
May not
I still
Love you.

I love you
With all the
Passion, aggression
Madness, craziness
And most importantly
With utmost shamelessness.

I love you
Despite of all the
Ignorance and arrogance.
You hurt me,
With that
And I like a fool
Find myself
In pieces
Every time
After you do that.

I love you
With all my
Heart and soul,
The heart that
You break
Time and again
And the soul
Which craves
For you
All the time.

I love you
I am an idiot
An idiot
Of the highest order.
The one who runs
After you,
Just because it
Can't see you
Fall all alone.

I love you
I just do.
And I am
Guilty as charged
For this crime.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Your problem, your solution!

I have officially graduated now. Yes, officially; with my mark sheet and all. Which is a great thing and I am more than happy about it. But, the strange and the very weird part is, that I am still not over with my college life. Yes, getting done with college and getting over the life in college are two very different things. Trust me, I say this out of experience. Those three years in just another mediocre college of the Delhi University did not become a part of life, they simply became synonymous to LIFE. Yes, life.
Waking up to the early morning calls for some event or the other in college had become my morning alarm. Forgetting to have lunch everyday, was a part of my routine, as I was always busy with one show or the other. Staying up till 4 am everyday for updating my college society’s page became a habit. All in all before i could realize that I was falling in love with a place called Dyal Singh College, i was already addicted to it. I still am addicted to it.
I received a call from my department today, and trust me without even thinking for a single second, I left for college. The fact that I am a graduate now and I should not be going back to that building just didn’t come in my head.
I have spent 14 years in school and believe me I have not visited my school ever again after my 12th. I was in one of the best schools. Probably, one of those schools in which people really want to get into. In 14 years in that very sophisticated building and not a single sign of missing or craving to run into it, again. In fact, I have ignored all the alumni invitations from that companion of 14 years.
Whereas, three years in that dusty, old, fragile building seem to have done some magic on me that I just can’t get over it. Is it that essence of acceptance that the college has given me more than love? Or, is it the people there who have some magnetic force which pulls me towards the shoddy building?
Anyway, the fact of the matter is, that I haven’t moved on from that phase even after its end and that is simply hazardous. Clinging on to something, that is over already is fatal, right?
How does one move on from one phase to another? Simple answer, by biding adieu to the former phase and welcoming the new phase. But, wait! Is that easy as it sounds? NO. So what should one do? Pretend to move on? Even if pretending to move on sounds like a plan to you, rest assure it is extremely difficult too.
A very sensible human, once said “let it get stale, allow it to rot, give it time to decompose and you will be good to go.” I think this is one of the only options that I have, now. The phase is at level 01 i.e. getting stale. Soon enough it will reach its final level and this burden of not moving on will get lifted, automatically. I might, hate my college after it has crossed its final stage but after that happens, I am sure that I will emerge out as a stronger and sensible being, and for being that this is a very small price to pay!
In the end of the day, all you have to remember is, if problems are yours, it is you who has to find a solution to them. There really is nobody who can present you THE solution on a plate. And, figuring out your life in your unique style has a charm of it own, always.
In the spirit of making, breaking, learning, falling, rising and most importantly flowing not with flow, but with your passion!
Cheers, to life and the experiences it offers!!! :D

Also, available on Medium.

Monday, 11 July 2016

Out of love - 58!

You know what, my only problem is that my ultimate solution to all problems is you!
I can share you with everyone except them, sorrows.
Praying is just a sophisticated form of begging. That's how elite people put their bowl of emptiness forward.
I have the courage to see you smile without me, but I don't and will never have the courage to see you not smiling.
It takes courage to smile and weep, in a world where the concept of emotions is  endangered.
From let's change the world and stuff, to just let it be. We had either tasted a portion of reality or honesty had hit us really hard.
Lack of colors, inability of words and silly expressions. That is the kind of  mess that flows within me.  EVERYDAY.
You can't emerge out of something until and unless you immerse yourself in something. Emergence is a by product of immersion. 
It's the night which keeps the artist in me alive. When the sky is all black my soul feels well lit!
I've seen the moonset, I know what losing serenity and beginning of hope look like.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

मुझे एक बात समझ नहीं आती!

मुझे एक बात
समझ नहीं आती
मैं तेरी खुशी
के अलावा कोई
और दुआ
आखिर क्यूँ
नहीं मांग पाती?

खुश तो मैं
भी नहीं हूँ
खुश तू भी
नहीं है
पर तेरी खुशी से
मेरा क्या वास्ता
जब मिलता ही नहीं
हमारा बनाया हुआ रास्ता?

जब भी मेरे हाथ
कुछ मांगने को उठते
तेरा ही नाम मेरे
लबों पे आता।

लगता है कुछ हो गया है
दिल दिमाग और लबों
के बीच में कुछ
अजीब सा फ़ासला जो
हो गया है,
वैसा ही जैसा,
मेरे और तेरे बीच है।

बस फ़रक इतना है
कि ये फ़ासले
बनाए ना थे मैंने
अनजाने में शायद
बन गये ये तुमसे।

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Out of love - 57!

Don't flow aimlessly, maintain that line of difference between yourself and a river. Create a path and move. Flowing is outdated, anyway.
I have never fallen for you, it is just that I have always prayed for your smiles. Does that mean I love you?
Of course! Our relationship went to the next level. From being ignored, to now being totally ignored, it sure had progressed a lot.
Memories and trash, if not disposed off properly either stink or create a mess.
I don't know how hazardous a half literate brain is. But, those eyes which clearly show how broken or messed up your soul is, are beyond hear wrenching. Really.
An unkept promise, a broken heart and the widest smile possible. Who said Iron man was unreal?
Even if this, scratches your soul,
It ain't changing, rest assure.
Phases shall pass as, always
But them, feelings will pounce,
Anywhere, anytime, anyway.
From not being able to keep those often made, loud promises to now keeping unsaid promises, our bond graduated from acquaintances to friends.
I will certainly find a reason to breathe, but will I be able to smile without you?

Sunday, 3 July 2016

वक़्त और भरोसा!

सुना है वक़्त
सबका आता है
शायद गलत सुना हो
पर भरोसा तो
मैं तब भी कर ही लेती हूँ
क्यूंकि भरोसा तो
मैं हर बात पर बस यूँ हीं
कर ही लेती हूँ

भरोसा तो तुम
पर भी किया था
तुमने तो खैर,
तोड़ दिया,
पर अब मैंने
ये भरोसे की
नयी उम्मीद
इस वक़्त से
लगायी है

उस वक़्त से
जो अभी तो
मेरा नहीं है
पर शायद कभी
मेरा हो जायेगा

वो मैंने कहीं
बस यूँ हीं सुना है
कि वक़्त और मौत
सबकी आती है
बस अब देखना इतना है
कि पहले कौन आता है
वक़्त या मौत

मैं चाहती तो
दोनों ही हूँ
बस एक बार
एक बार, सिर्फ
वक़्त को मौत
से पहले ज़रा सा
सराहना चाहती हूँ

क्या इस बार
ये वक़्त
मेरी सुनेगा
या करेगा अपनी
वही पुरानी मन मानी
इसी का जवाब
ढूँढने मे
कट - गुज़र जाएगी
मेरी ज़िन्दगी की
ये कहानी 


It's one of those phases 
When I'm desperately trying 
To set things right .

Maybe, when I'm 
Trying, I actually am lying 
Because had I been trying
Things would have been
Better, already . 

They are not,
I don't know 
When they will be 
In fact, 
I don't even know 
Whether they will
Ever be right 
Or not.

I try every day 
And lie, every night 
That today I have tried 
To set things right.