Tuesday, 31 May 2016

यलगार हो!

कितनी अजीब बात है, की तुम जो चाहते हो वो मैं बन नहीं पाई | तुम जो देखते हो वो भी मैं हूँ नहीं और जो तुम देखना चाहते हो वो भी नहीं हूँ मैं | पता नहीं क्या हूँ, कौन हूँ कुछ हूँ या फिर कुछ हूँ भी या नहीं |
तुम अपनी जिद्द चद नहीं सकते और मैं अपनी लड़ाई से मुंह मोड़ नहीं सकती | शायद हम दोनों एक ही असमंजस में  हैं |  तुम्हे लगता है की तुम्हारी जीत में मेरी  हार होगी या फिर ये  लगता होगा की मेरी जीत में तुम्हारी हार है | मुझे हमेशाकी तराह तुमसे कुछ अलग लगता है, मुझे यह लगता है की जिस दिन मेरी हार पे तुम्हे गर्व होगा, जिस दिन तुम मुझे उस हार जीत के आलावा देखोगे उस दिन मैं हर लड़ाई, हर जंग जीत जाउंगी | 
मेरी लड़ाई मेरी जिद्द नहीं ज़रुरत है, शायद तुम्हारी जिद्द तुम्हारी ज़रुरत हो | पर ये बात तो माननी ही पड़ेगी की ना तुम बदलोगे ना मैं |
किस्मत आज तुम्हारे साथ है शायद कल पलट के किसी और की तरफ चली जाये, चिंता मत करो मेरी तरफ नहीं आएगी क्यूंकि किस्मत अच्छे लोगों की मोहताज होती है और मुझे अच्छाई और मोहताजों दोनों ही पसंद नहीं हैं |
जब तक हम दोनों हैं तब तक इसी आग में हमारे सपनों की आहूति चढ़ेगी ही | अब तो ये आग भी मेरी दोस्त है,  इसमें जल कर राख होते हुए अपने अज़ीज़ खवाबों और अपनेअकेलेपन को पनपते देखा है |
तुम जो कर सकते हो करो मुझे जो करना है वो तो मैं करके ही रहूंगी |

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Silly introspection!

'What are you doing with your life?"
Asked the mind to the heart.
"Juggling, tossing, wasting, ruining or something else?"
Heart very timidly replied,
"I'm trying to flow in this stagnation, but in this quest of trying the strong tsunami took me away and they thought I had moved on."

Friday, 27 May 2016

Warrior!

I know you think
My problems
My worries
My miseries
Are all kidish
And to you
They maybe.

You are not me
And you must
Have seen life
Differently
And that is
Absolutely how
Things are supposed to be.

I am not supposed
To understand your
Pattern of life
And
You aren't bound
To do that, either.

But,
In the end
What matters is
My fight
My struggle
My journey
Yes, it does
Matter to me
You may find
It silly, as usual.

Our fights and struggles
Are different
They always have been
They always will be
I am a warrior
And I am sure
You are one too.

Let's fight our
Battles
And
Not start a battle
Amongst ourselves
It's not worth it,
You know.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

You will never know!

You will never know
How many sleepless nights
I spend just because
Our memories
Which I planned to cherish
Now haunt me.

You will never know
The hurricane in my chest
Which occurs every time
You shamelessly
Choose to ignore me

You will never know
How much I hate myself
For falling for you so hard
That I ended up
Forgetting how to get up
All by myself.

You will never know
Your worth and value
In my life because
For you I meant nothing
But you were the one who
Defined everything to and for me

You will never know
How broken I feel right now
Because you aren't there by my side
Or maybe you never were by my side
It was always me for you
And never vice versa

You will never know
The number of times
I question myself every damn day
For I have started doubting myself
In every field that I go to
Every dream that I ever saw
Now seems to be unreal

You will never know
How destroyed my faith is in
Love, bonds and forevers.
You made me believe in all that
And now I can't afford to believe all that
Because of the reason who made me believe
In all of that.

You will never know
You just won't.
Sigh.

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Again and again!

It's strange how you
use the same trick
again and again
to break my heart
and
shred my soul
and
I let you do that
Again and again. .

I feel hurt
I feel shredded
I feel shattered
And
A lot more
But who would
Care to listen
To all of that
Again and again

You called me your
Constant, back then
And
I craved to call you
My constant
But, I couldn't
Because you just
Wouldn't, let me
Even after I did
Everything that I
Could
Should
And
Would
Again and again.

I'm an Iron man ?
Or a Superman ?
Who'd be there
Every time you
Wanted
Needed
Required
Desired
I'm glad if you think so
But,
The point is I'm not
Even if you
Think that way
Again and again.

I'm a human
Just the way
You are.
And
I'm little more
Than too tired
Of being what I'm not
Again and again.

I also crave for a smile
Once in a while
I also desire for a time
When you can at least
Listen to me
Even if you can't be
With me
But,
I know
I'll be doing this
All by myself
All over again
Because that's how
It happens
Again and again.

End of just another phase!

My college has finally come to an end. After doing a course that I never wanted to yet creating the best memories possible, these three years have been magical. Some say it’s an end of a chapter while the rest say it’s like getting back to square one because you have to decide what to do with life all over again. I don’t know what it actually is. It’s a very strange feeling, one of those feelings which I may not be able to articulate very well.

The course in which I will get my degree seems to be the most irrelevant part of my college life. What has mattered to me the most in these three years is the kind of people I have come across. The people with whom I shared a lot, learnt a lot and most importantly enjoyed a lot. The family that I found here has been the best thing ever and I shall be forever indebted to this college for the same.

Working 8 hours a day for cultural festivals and making last moment presentations for department seminars and most importantly being the anchor of all events that ever happened in that dusty old star. I was very skeptical about my college but as time passed I fell in love with that place and it’s people.

My school taught me how to cage myself and be disciplined and my college taught me how to fly while keeping your feet on the ground. Both institutions have done the best to and for me but my college will always have a upper hand when it comes to comparison with school.

This is yet another phase of life which has come to an end only to welcome the new exciting and hopefully a bright phase.

Also on:
“End of just another phase!” @devyanikitu https://medium.com/@devyanikitu/end-of-just-another-phase-b45a3e775d6

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Out of love - 53!

What you see is a lie
What I want you to see is a lie
What I show you is a lie
What you know is the only truth that you should believe.
--------
Once passion enters an industry it is seen as a product. A product is always used to make business. And once something becomes a business it is supposed to give returns, and that is exactly how your passion gets converted into a profit making deal!
----------
Those blue ticks on WhatsApp are important, they tell me my worth in your life.
----------
Home is a feeling, not a place.
---------
And for the first time they had a silent conversation and a part of their bond cried and a bit of their soul died, it was their promise for forever that kept them tied all this while.
--------
Even when the days are terrible and nights are sob worthy , I'll still be there to make you smile, laugh and just be.
------------
I didn't know what they meant by solace until I slept in her lap.
-------
The front is attractive they say, haven't they seen the impressions of struggle on the back?
--------
Let it be, you won't be able to see the patch that makes the most of me. It's ugly, nasty yet mine.
---------
Solace and numbness are disgracefully proportional, usually. 

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Triveni: A healer, lover and beyond!

I am not a lover, I may never be one, but this place which has been my mother, father, sister, brother, friend and the best lover since the past two years has surely healed my unhealed wounds. Those unflown tears and unacknowledged smiles that this place has seen and shared are priceless memories. My failures didn't hurt me that much, my success felt incomplete without sharing it with this place. To this place which made me a human being who can feel peace when there is a chaos all around. They say meditation brings peace, I say sitting on these stairs and with your earphones on and your favorite song on loop will heal, revive and rejuvenate you as never before. A glass of cold coffee while the sun blesses with you some warmth and light and the tree above that provides just the right amount of shade is a cure for any God damn problem.
Oh! The vibes are sinfully blissful here.
Yes! This was, is and shall always remain my favourite spot in the whole world. Favourite spot. Favourite place.


Friday, 13 May 2016

Out of love - 52!

As I waited for the  grey ticks to turn blue, I knew my anxiety would get converted into a heart break.
-------
We may or may not win battles, but wars are meant for losers to lose, obviously. 
------
Different shades, 
similar stories, 
same ink 
and 
a long wait for glory!
--------
That place where it used to hurt bad, is turning numb. The broken pieces that used to pinch, have evaporated. There is a void that is going to stay for a little more than forever. 
---------
I never believed in forevers you made me believe in them and now you are the reason why I neither believe in forevers nor in love.
---------
It began to end and the end re- assured a new beginning. Such is the synchronization between the two.
----------
The sound of the rains was like a medicine to those unhealed barren wounds. It felt as if they got some love and life.
--------
I neither deserve to be ignored nor am I meant for ignorance. But, I still bear it from you because I crave for you more than I love you.
--------
Those un-flown tears left the worst scars. 
---------
From being a second option to now not being an option, I had learnt how to rebuild myself, all alone.


Sunday, 8 May 2016

मेरी जन्नत भी तुम और मन्नत भी!

सुना है
कि माँ एक होती है
मेरी तो एक से ज्यादा हैं
तुम सोच रहे होगे
कि ऐसा कैसे ?
मैं बताऊँ कैसे ?

मेरी माँ तो मेरी माँ
है ही
लेकिन उसके अलावा तुम हो
जो मुझसे शायद मेरी माँ जितना
या उनसे भी ज्यादा प्यार करती है

जब मैं तुम्हारे पास आती हूँ
ऐसा लगता है की सब ठीक है
डर और चिंता भी मानो
तुमसे घबरा कर भाग गए हैं

जब मुझे नींद नहीं आती
तब तुम्हारी गोद मुझे सबसे
पहले याद आती

गलत कहते हैं वो लोग
जो जन्नत माँ के पैरों में
ढूँढ़ते हैं
मेरी जन्नत और मन्नत तो
तुम्हारी मुस्कान है
वो मुस्कान जो
मुझे देख कर और भी
'खिल जाती है

जब तुम पास होती हो
तब एहसास नहीं होता तुम्हारी ज़रुरत का
जब नहीं होती हो
तब तुम्हारे बिना
मेरा कुछ नहीं होता

तुम वो हो जो
मेरी ज़रुरत का
मुझसे ज्यादा ख़याल
रखती हो
और ये लोग कहते हैं
कि तुम मेरी माँ नहीं लगती हो

शायद ,
तुम मेरी माँ नहीं हो
पर माँ से कम कभी
हो भी नहीं सकती हो |

Out of love - 51!

Gulp down everything you can and everything you should.
-------
Probably in the end you will realise distraction is much more important and relevant than any attraction.
---------
He means forever to me, he is my brother the one who loves and will always love me more than my lover.
--------
I am poison, magic and stardust.
A combination you may choose
Not to believe, but I nonetheless am.
--------
Pain is a therapy itself, embrace it with grace.
--------
Fear of living is hazardous, death is not.
---------
From keeping each and every picture to now keeping selected pictures their bond either faded or reached a level where photographs didn't matter, each other's company did.
----------
Journey is within, everything else is just commutation.
-------
Things change, and they probably should.
-------
It's strange how you are my strength and weakness both and you don't even know that!

Friday, 6 May 2016

Confusions and desires!

Happiness is a phase
And so is sadness
Love is a myth
And
Hatred is unreal.

All we have is
A bit of magic
A little bit of hope
A dollop of stardust
And lots to dream.

What is real for you
Is unreal for me
What you want is
Your desire
What I want is
Mine.

Let's not confuse
Each other
Let's just dream
And be together.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

What are you?

You will never know
How I feel when I miss you
And can't get in touch
With you.

I imagine our
Memories that I
Wish to create
With you.

Revisit our conversations
The ones in which
You have loved
And ignored me
Simultaneously.

I look at our pictures
Which have a story
Of their own.

The photographs
In which our smiles
Compliment each other
And the moment feels
Almost like forever.

It feels as if
It's been ages
Since we had a
Conversation.

But,
Technology tells me
We spoke last night
But my thirst for you
Just doesn't subside

Are you an addiction ?
Or an obsession?
Or just another faulty realisation?