Temporary!

It's been a while
Since things
haven't been
Alright.

It feels as if
The moon has lost its charm
And now it's creeping me out
Like my morning alarm

It's not what it was
It doesn't glow now
It doesn't embrace
My flow, now

Everything is a phase
And hence
It's bound to
Fade.

Neither is love
Nor is hatred
An affair
For forever.

We're all temporary beings
With temporary feelings
Living in a temporary world
Trying to relax our fluctuating temper.

It's all temporary
You, me, time, life, phases
Everything for that matter
Is just temporary.

This too shall pass
For stagnation
is temporary
Unlike the flow

The glow will be back
So will the flow be
Yet again
Temporarily again, though.

Sinful changes!

It's strange how we
Can now pretend
In front of each other.

We were the one's
Who'd read each other's eyes
Just like that.

The one's who'd know and feel
Each other's pain before
Before it actually struck

With time we changed
And so did our
Bond.

The bond that was!

Rip me apart
Shred me into pieces
But help me forget
Your naughty teases.

You were mine
I was yours
Together we invited
This useless chaos.

I haven't heard
My heartbeat
I haven't felt my
Heart break either.

For my heart
Is still your possession
And you've still kept it
To your disposition.

The colors you see
On my canvas
Is just another lie
For its all black now.

We had our share of blacks
But blacks with you
Were as glittery as
The silver, itself.

We're all broken
Dismantled pieces of
A jigsaw puzzle
Who will never be made.

Let me find
My little solace
In this blissful pain
For that is all I now can gain.

Dodging numbness
Fearing light
Have I ran out of
My own sight?

Craving and waiting desperately
For your sight
Have I forgotten
The excuses of my delight?

Out of love - 46!

Firm gifting letters which would overflow with emotions to now parceling gifts without a message, the only thing that had escalated in our bond was your bank balance!
---------
She smiled and I healed.
--------
Only if destroying memories was as easy as creating and cherishing them.
-------
Lost faith, felt dead, pretended to live and hence smiled.
---------
She knew she had my controls, yet played with them carelessly.
----------
The only thing I have ever ignored is the number of times you have ignored me.
---------
Don't stay if you don't wish to, but return me what I was.
--------
our bond was gone the day our silent conversations transformed into misunderstood vocal conversations.
--------
I couldn't lose, you didn't want to win, together we decided to just be.
--------
I wasn't born a sinner, I was made one.

You and I!

It's strange how you and I
Used to walk and dream together
But now can't stand each other.

We had different infinities then
We have different infinites now
But you and I aren't we anymore

I am not what I was
You are not what you were
And so we aren't what we were

I crave for you
You crave for me too
But our egos scrap our cravings now

There are times when
I die a million times to see you
But all you see is another version of you

I'm not perfect,
Neither are you
But together we were the perfect imperfection

You aren't dead
I'm not alive
Can we get rid of this pretentious breather?

I can't message you
You can't call me
Let's pretend to be strong till our little infinity

This doesn't make sense
It never will
For you and I were senseless, since forever.

Out of love - 45!

Either cement those gaps or just let them be. It's a void and hence pretend to avoid.
-------
The heart which resides in my body never really belonged to me.
--------

I'm neither the person you see nor the soul which I wish to project.

--------

The glow in her eyes was like a drop of magical portion which seeped through and magically healed the already drenched soul of unwept tears.

---------

Healer's smile, beyond divine.

--------

Constants became temporary and the wounds transformed themselves into scars. 

-------

As the grey ticks turned blue, the heart that used to beat started bleeding.

---------

Back then I feared pain, today all I fear is that why does my pain not pinch me. Have I become numb already? 

--------

If an artist forgets to die a bit everyday then the spirit of art might die! 

------

From being always availabe to now being almost not reachable; it was a tough transition from being a broken soul to being a selectively numb structure.

Stress with a smile!

There is something
About stress
That I really like
The uneasiness
The restlessness
That craving to
Move out of the situation
That thing which urges me
To move away from stagnation
There really is something
Strange and beautiful
About stress.

Those jitters
And the unwept tears
With that little tinch
Of loneliness
That makes it
Painful and wretched
I like it
It makes me a
Better artist
That essence of rage
Gets converted into
Gorgeous master pieces.

Yes! I like it
For hating it
Doesn't make sense
Either.

Out of love - 44!

Pretend to embrace the colours that I crave to show you as I unveil my dark soul.
------

The wounds that can't be diagnosed are the ones which hurt the most.

------

Sat together after days to have a meal together, ended up sharing smiles and filled themselves with memories. 

---------

Knew each other inside out yet lied everyday only to help each other exist. They were each others strength and weakness. 

----------

A couple of problems here and there, everything else seems to be fine, said the  doctor. Little did he know, the real problem was something no test could diagnose. 

----------

Wanted to portray universe on paper, ended up drawing your eyes. 

-------

Unkempt hair, bruised feet, wrinkled face and the brightest smile of this universe. She pretended to look ugly, didn't know how blissfully gorgeous she was.

----------

From unknown to lesser known to acquaintances to sorta friends and then finally to a one sided lover. It was a journey of subtle smiles to hidden tears.

------

You know you are my strength and you know I have a high threshold for pain. You ignore, and I just realise how elastic my pain endearing skill is

-------

Every time you treat me like an unwanted being in your life, I tend to lose a bit of myself. 

--------

Just another fearer!

It's strange how they think I play well with the colours. I am one of those who hates the very essence of the colours that surround. This is not because I don't like them, this is simply because it reveals a lot more than what I want to see and believe. Colours are that ugly medium which pretend to beautify things but end up revealing your dark side to yourself. It is strange how colours take that liberty of showing my unwept tears while I have been working hard on smiling all day.
I am not an artist, I will never be one. It's just strange that I fear two things in the universe i.e. MIRROR and COLOUR.
Being one of those who would never want to accept things the way they are, I feel it's quite obvious to fear the mirror. At times I feel it's the combination of mirror and colour which has made all of us so helpless.
In an era in which we pretend to live while all we do is breathe and function like a machine; it is this brutal colour which wants to break the monotony and probably wants you to feel the good, the bad and the ugly. The mirror, in front of which you stand tall everyday while combing your hair, tucking in your shirt etc only to help yourself accept that you look presentable for the world that doesn't even give a damn about your existence. How many times have you pretended to ignore the dark circles under your eyes or the wrinkles on your cheeks. And in case by chance you tend to embrace it which again is a very possibility all you tend to do is ignore yet again.
Ignorance is bliss this say, ignorant is surely at bliss, usually; however the ignored is usually screaming and screeching silently. The other day as I stood in front of the mirror I saw a lot of things in my reflection which I didn't want to see. Like, a couple of white hair on my head, deep dark circle and the marks of those wounds which I have been pretending to ignore. I am no artist or perfectionist. I have my own flaws which I pretend to be okay with.
It is in such times you start cursing the colour and the mirror, for showing you what you want to ignore. Obviously, colour and the mirror aren't as joyous as your salary cheque but nonetheless are equally essential.
It's laughable how our very own reflection tends to demoralise us every damn day. The colours which our soul wants to show are the ones which we want to hide. To keep it simple let's just say self and the employed self are two very different people. Employed self believes ignorance is bliss whereas Self has always suffered because of the pain that ignorance brings along!

Also published on: “It's strange how they think I play well with the colours.” @devyanikitu https://medium.com/@devyanikitu/it-s-strange-how-they-think-i-play-well-with-the-colours-2acdf3a89c3c

Fine?

You know what?
I love to hate
This feeling of
Pretending to be
FINE.

I'm not fine
Nor are you
We are fooling each other.
And ourselves too.

We don't have to
We don't need to
But, we still do.

I'm a fool
And, so are you
Maybe we are just
Used to pretending
To be fine.

What is fine?
Who is fine?
Why do I have to be fine?
Why do you have to be fine?

Why can't I be
Not fine at times
Why can't I be
Crazy all the time.

I am what I am
And fine is what it is
I'm not fine
And fine is not me  either

We're different
And our difference
Is what makes us different
I'm something
You're different something
But none of us our
Something called
FINE.

Patterns and confusions!

Out of love - 43!

From unhealed wounds to scars was a difficult journey, but from scars to numbness was a cake walk.
---------
Connections may or may not be re established but bonds certainly aren't.
------
i travelled from one place to another, only to realise how captivated my footsteps were.
--------
Travelled around and across the world, pretended to meditate a bit, nothing helped. Finally, found a tinch of peace in her glowing eyes.
-----

No matter what a little bit of light and a thin ray of hope will always make there way to your dark soul 

--------

Unquote those familiar quotes and you'll probably realise why they embrace pain with such grace.

-------

In this quest to be yours truly, have I lost you already?

--------

Only if you could pretend to acknowledge my silence. The silence which has been vocal for sometime now. 

--------

The reason why I can't get rid of the ugly art that resides in me is probably because of the unwept tears!

-------

A reply instead of blue ticks and the deepest sigh of relief. 

                                           

Need indeed!

You're not air
You aren't water
Yet, you're much more
Essential than these two.

We may not talk everyday
We don't meet very often
But, I know you're there
And you know that too.

Your smile, my happiness
The glow in your eyes
Is how I define bliss
Your signature, my healer.

I don't fear to lose you
Maybe because,
I don't have the courage
To fear that fear.

I want to hold on
The times we spent
The memories we've made
And the ones we will make

I know you're there
Now and hopefully forever
You aren't a blessing
You're exactly how a blessing is

I don't know what
This bond is called
Maybe there isn't a name to it
To me this is a bond beyond blessings.

The bond which gives me
The freedom to be
Be what I'm
Without thinking at all.

Your being there
Is what I need
Yes, NEED.
For you're essential indeed.

Wounds: My possession!

I haven't lost the ability to heal,
Though i feel the zeal to heal
Has mysteriously vanished
Somewhere I probably can't go
Or maybe a place where I fear to be
It's all weird and unreal
The smiles and the fears
All of it is unreal.

Were my healers not mine?
Or were my wounds divine?
Divinity is to be embraced
And hence, so be it
If my healers weren't mine
At least let my wounds
Be truly mine.
They may hurt
Or
May pretend not to hurt
At least they'll be mine
Till the end of my time.

Out of love - 42!

I didn't even realise that my possession wasn't mine anymore!
-------
The brutal un - undo able mistakes
Which almost tend to convert
Your unhealed bruises into
Scars, forever
Are important.
Yes! They are
So that you tend
To learn the importance
Of healers and healers of sorts.
--------
From daily dose of weird conversations to occasionally weird conversations and now to rare formal conversations, they had travelled a long distance away and apart from each other!
---------
Hiding from the light,
She ran out of sight
Till she realised
Darkness was the only source
Of peace and delight
--------
Death is a blessing, which will embrace you once you've sinned enough to survive.
-------
You realise how stupid you have been all your life only when you come to know that your CONSTANTS were also temporary!
----------
From distances to differences was a journey of misconceptions and misinterpretations.
--------
In the maze of words they pretended to find each other.
---------
They preferred incomplete sentences, for the full stop was their mutual fear.
--------
She re assured her that she was there and all her unhealed wounds and bruises vanished automatically.

Out of love - 41!

Allow me to collect my fragments before you broom my soul with failures.
--------
From talking for hours to now pretending to be busy for hours, they knew they had come a long way; on different roads.
--------
For a change, let's just feel the unfelt and see the unseen.
---------
If you can't be with me, atleast allow me to be alone so that I don't feel lonely anymore.
---------
That subtle glow of the moon was a companion like no other. Selfless and serene.
---------
Her faith was like the moon, constant and selfless.
--------
Confrontation: The mother of all fears.
--------
If you have faith in the term FAITH you'll probably know why some believe in magic more than science.
--------
Shared silences, exchanged words, their souls almost felt healed.
---------

From smoke to ashes, was a journey of cries to sighs.

Numb and confused!

It was there 

But it really wasn't 

You could see it

It could see itself too

But, that thing 

Which differentiates 

Between living and existence 

Was missing 

It was gone 

Gone for almost forever.

Future, 

Almost seemed 

Like a dreadful 

Misty morning 

The one in which 

You can 

Neither see things clearly

Nor breathe properly 

It all looks good 

From your window 

But your perceptions change 

Once you step out

Of your warm comfortable zone.

It knows it breaths 

Isn't sure about 

Being alive 

Though

They say it smiles 

And hence is 

Happy always 

But it 

Doesn't know what 

Being happy or sad is

It's almost numb now

Numb in the 

Most brutal form.

Probably at one 

Of those stages 

Where 

Pain rage and anger 

Refuse to accept it

It's confused 

It really is

Numb and confused 

Her faith, her strength!

She was on the verge of
Losing an unfought battle
But then
She knew she had a
Magical person who
Had faith in her.

The kind of faith
Which they never
Spoke or discussed about
But, it was there.
Like the moon
Which exists
Why? You don't know
How? You don't know, again
It's there
Because
It just is.

That faith
Is what holds
Her tight ALWAYS
That faith which
Doesn't let her
Collapse
That faith which
She looks at
Every now and then.

The magical person knows
What she means to her
Her signature, her healer
Her faith, her strength
Her existence, her happiness
She doesn't have to remind
That she has faith on her
She just knows that
Magical person is there
There always.

Magic may or may not
Be an illusion
But the magical person's
Faith is real
And this is the reality
Which she loves to accept
Every minute of her life.

This is a bond
A bond beyond blessing
Which is treasured
With every breath
Nurtured every minute
And
Accepted with an emotion
Beyond happiness.

Out of love - 40!

"Promise?"
What's that she asked
For her faith in the term was gone long ago.
-------
Between the round clock and the black and white existence something somewhere died everyday.
--------
Time doesn't heal anything all it does is makes wounds stale and stale things are usually not dwelled though the same can't be ignored.
-------
I don't trust the term ALWAYS now, for its the one which has shaken my faith in always. Always.
---------
I wish I had the art to love while standing firm and strong instead of falling in and for it.
--------
The breaths don't sound that bad, after all
---------
It's strange how old conversations never become stale.
---------
From talking for hours to now pretending to be busy for hours, they knew they had come a long way; on different roads.
--------
Shabby house, shoddy furniture, yet the most beautiful home in the world.
-------

The boundary of a priceless bond is the kind of beauty every soul craves for 

This night!

The night
The one
Which they
Love to curse
For being dark.
The one
After which
They crave for
A dawn
Like a greedy dog
Yes! That night
That night
Eases me
Helps me breathe
In peace
Re assuring my faith
In serenity and light
The light  which
The darkness beholds.
Do you still hate it?
Ah! You sure do
It's your habit now
I know I know
It's okay
This night will
Love to give you
The freedom to hate
For it believes in you
Very truly
Yes! You may or may not
Hate it
But the dark sky
The bright moon
And
The cute little stars
Will always love you