Out of love - 50!

On some not so fine days, I find solace in my numbness.
-------
She told me she needed me and I realised that life was a little more than just breathing.
--------
I was not lost, I was un-acknowledged.
------
After its gone, things change but an essence of emptiness always stays.
-------
Let's not fool each other
Let's not promise
An unreal forever
Our bond was a phase
And phases aren't meant
To last till eternity.
--------
Either ignore me once and for all or just don't ever think about it. This thing in between is very tiring.
-------
Definitions and meanings have always curbed freedom of imagination.
--------
Most of the time, when I ask you questions I seek re - assurance more than any answer.
---------
The glow in her eyes would heal a million bruises and wipe a zillion tears.
---------
"Ignorance is bliss", said an ignored soul who wanted the world to know how strong it was, even after its soul was shredded into infinite pieces.

Time!

With time I
Lose and gain some
Relations, bonds and opportunities
A few of them, I cherish
Others, I simply regret.

Time just seems to
Flow and go
While my
Dreams and emotions
Are comparatively
Static.

It's difficult to
Keep up with time's
Pace
For time is
Always ready to
Slap me on my
Face.

Time defines a
Part of phase
But, isn't time
A phase itself?

Time may not change
But, times surely will
And so will I.

Fight to escape!

I know death
Looks attractive to you
For it'll all be
Black
For once and for all
Without those temporary
Patches of white and all.

But,
I know you're
A fighter and an escapist
You'll fight for life
And escape the fear of life.

Those shades of grey
That choke and suffocate you
Are your lovers
The ones who never leave your side
For  they have been your
Constants all this
While.

Let's kill the ultimate death
And die a bit everyday
Too see the sun shine
And feel a little divine
Let's make a combination
Of life and death
Where you breath a little
And a screech bit too.

Feel the phases
All of them
The good
The bad
And
The ugly
And see the
Naughty moon laugh
At all of them.

Close your eyes
Open your soul
Cmon!
Don't be a spoil sport.

Out of love - 49!

When your scalp smells of sweat, your body screams for sleep yet you have a contented smile on your face that is the moment when you realise you are in love. In love with what you do!
--------
Neither are you
Letting out
Nor am I
Both of us
Are pretending to live
As we die.
-------
You meant magic to me but now you're the reason why I'm losing my faith in magic itself.
--------
With every dance move
She lived a hundred smiles
And looked forward to a million miles.
--------
Over thinking is a by product of love.
--------
I'm a rock, and hence I shall stand where you left me and the way you left me.
--------
All that she ever carried with her was a bag of hopes and a suitcase of memories.
--------
Promised to try till death, unfortunately the spirit of trial died before her.
---------
Understanding may or may not take time, but acceptance surely does.
-------
It's one of those times
Yet again,
When my eyes want to
Shut down its shutter
But,
My mind just wouldn't get rid
Of its shitty clutter.

Gradually!

Gradually
That light which
Has been away
For a while
Is beginning to
Embrace the dark soul.

It's a new beginning
A new light is
About to enter,
Enter the dark soul
And a numb heart
The place where
The demons reside
Easily and peacefully.

But, Now
Times will change
For change is the only constant
And more importantly
Is essential.

After the dark
Comes the light
To bless embrace
And enlighten
The sight.

It's a phase
And hence
Shall pass
It has to
And it will.

Meanwhile,
Just hang on
And
Pretend to smile
As the real one
Will take some time.

You know what?

You know what?
You'll never have to worry
For all your troubles will be
Mine first and yours next.

I'll take care of you
I'll love you
Selflessly and shamelessly
For you are my little infinity.

Our beautiful nights
In which we had cursed
The God damn light
For our unrealistic dreams
Belonged to the soothing dark
Which had its own spark

Remember our conversations?
The ones in which we
Healed each other
Unknowingly and gorgeously

Our fights, our smiles
Our notorious delights
Our little blasts
From our incredible past

Is it all gone?
Or has it vanished
In some suffocating
Thin air?

I want you
I need you
And above all
I love you

You may or may not
Be mine
But don't forget
To shine.

I'll wish for your smiles
For your smiles
Are the ones
Which make me smile.

Stay happy
Stay cool
Don't waste your
Time on this fool.

Out of love - 48!

Her tears were like acid to my soul.
------
Friends sat together after ages to chill and relax, ended up sleeping in each others lap, with the most serene smiles on their faces.
--------
Set me free
Let me be
Wild, mad and unique.
-------
Tried to build a wall amongst themselves didn't realise that both sides of the wall had graffiti made of memories.
----------
Cracked the biggest business deal in town as business partners but the essence of their friendship was lost. Didn't know whether they failed or succeeded.
--------------
All I ever wanted was a tinch of attention from you, but you as usual had better things to do.
------------
I don't fear explosion, but I fear to explode because of you for my love will get scattered and that will shatter me beyond bits.
-----------
All she ever craved was for someone who'd listen to her silence and talk to her eyes.
----------
It takes courage to maintain faith in an era where fake is worshipped.
---------
Back then you ignored, I felt hurt.
Gradually got used to the hurt and hence became numb.
Today when you come to me I should technically jump with joy but I don't because I can't as I'm numb already.
---------

Conversations!

I love reading
Our old conversations.
The conversations in
Which you have
Ignored and hated me.

Our conversations
Which were often one sided
For I was desperate
To have you
Very  desperate, rather
But, you ignored me
You still do
But now I think
I am a little used to.

I didn't get you
I may never get you
Maybe you deserve
Someone better than me
For I am a piece of
Trash for you, already.

All I ever wished
And wanted was
Your happiness.
I still wish the same
Only if you could
Try and understand a bit.

I wish for your smiles
And a life as
Peaceful as the
Morning sky.
May your obstacles
Be mine
And you lead
A life
Incredibly divine.

You may not share
Your joys with me
But remember that
I'm there to help you
And be with you
During your days of
Sorrow.

From nothingness to
Being acknowledged as
Nothingness
I've learned to smile
During the tough times.

कुछ अलफ़ाज़, बस यूँ ही -10!

वक़्त की मार का प्रकोप तो देखिये जनाब आज अपने ही खवाब ना जाने कितने बड़े लालच जैसे लग रहे है।
-------
जितनी शिद्दत से लोग हमारे जाने का इंतज़ार कर रहे हैं, अगर उसकी आधी शिद्दत से भी हमने जीने की कोशिश की होती तो आज हालत और हालात दोनों ही बेहतर होते।
-------
बड़ी ही खूबसूरत चीज़ होती है
इंतज़ार
अपनी और अपने अपनों
की इह्मियत समझा जाती है
ये इंतज़ार की घडी
---------
दर्द को पनाह देने के लिए रुक गए तो वक़्त और ज़िन्दगी दोनों गवा बैठेंगे।
---------
मरने की ये बात नहीं
जीने का जज़्बात नहीं
कैसी अजब गज़ब पहेली है
ज़िन्दगी बड़ी अलबेली है।
----------

वही किस्से वही हालात बस ना जाने कैसे बदल गया ये अंदाज़....

-------

आज उस कबाड़ के राख को पुराने ज़ख्मों पे मल लिया.......लगता है अब कुछ हिसाब तो पूरा हो ही जाएगा।

--------

आज सपनों का हिसाब माँगा है कल साँसों का मांगेंगे, आखिर कब तक जियेंगे ऐसे? 

------

आज मेरे अश्कों से फ़र्क नहीं पड़ रहा कल मेरे चले जाने से क्या फर्क पड़ेगा....

--------

वो मेरे लफ़्ज़ों को

अपने रचाए चक्रह्युह मे 

कैद करने की कोशिशि करते रहे

और मै खवाबों की उड़ान मै मसरूफ रहा।

Out of love - 47!

Do you dare to revive me from my numbness?
------
For me she almost meant everything, to her I maybe inexistent.
-------
In the quest to heal each other and to ensure a little bit of light in each others life their souls healed, unknowingly yet beautifully.
------
In the end all we do is stitch our fragments to probably re assemble something similar to our soul.

------

Spoke to each other after quite sometime only to realise how beautifully and maturely the bud of the bond had blossomed into a flower.

------ 

Infinity and magic are matters of faith solely. 

------

A little essence of you around me is all I need.

------

 She was brave and so she pretend to smile while sitting next to her grave. 

-------

I crave to miss the memories that you and I would have created together, only if we could ever be together. 

--------

Symmetrical patterns, 

chaotic minds,

confused soul

Yet,

a feeling so divine. 

Temporary!

It's been a while
Since things
haven't been
Alright.

It feels as if
The moon has lost its charm
And now it's creeping me out
Like my morning alarm

It's not what it was
It doesn't glow now
It doesn't embrace
My flow, now

Everything is a phase
And hence
It's bound to
Fade.

Neither is love
Nor is hatred
An affair
For forever.

We're all temporary beings
With temporary feelings
Living in a temporary world
Trying to relax our fluctuating temper.

It's all temporary
You, me, time, life, phases
Everything for that matter
Is just temporary.

This too shall pass
For stagnation
is temporary
Unlike the flow

The glow will be back
So will the flow be
Yet again
Temporarily again, though.

Sinful changes!

It's strange how we
Can now pretend
In front of each other.

We were the one's
Who'd read each other's eyes
Just like that.

The one's who'd know and feel
Each other's pain before
Before it actually struck

With time we changed
And so did our
Bond.

The bond that was!

Rip me apart
Shred me into pieces
But help me forget
Your naughty teases.

You were mine
I was yours
Together we invited
This useless chaos.

I haven't heard
My heartbeat
I haven't felt my
Heart break either.

For my heart
Is still your possession
And you've still kept it
To your disposition.

The colors you see
On my canvas
Is just another lie
For its all black now.

We had our share of blacks
But blacks with you
Were as glittery as
The silver, itself.

We're all broken
Dismantled pieces of
A jigsaw puzzle
Who will never be made.

Let me find
My little solace
In this blissful pain
For that is all I now can gain.

Dodging numbness
Fearing light
Have I ran out of
My own sight?

Craving and waiting desperately
For your sight
Have I forgotten
The excuses of my delight?

Out of love - 46!

Firm gifting letters which would overflow with emotions to now parceling gifts without a message, the only thing that had escalated in our bond was your bank balance!
---------
She smiled and I healed.
--------
Only if destroying memories was as easy as creating and cherishing them.
-------
Lost faith, felt dead, pretended to live and hence smiled.
---------
She knew she had my controls, yet played with them carelessly.
----------
The only thing I have ever ignored is the number of times you have ignored me.
---------
Don't stay if you don't wish to, but return me what I was.
--------
our bond was gone the day our silent conversations transformed into misunderstood vocal conversations.
--------
I couldn't lose, you didn't want to win, together we decided to just be.
--------
I wasn't born a sinner, I was made one.

You and I!

It's strange how you and I
Used to walk and dream together
But now can't stand each other.

We had different infinities then
We have different infinites now
But you and I aren't we anymore

I am not what I was
You are not what you were
And so we aren't what we were

I crave for you
You crave for me too
But our egos scrap our cravings now

There are times when
I die a million times to see you
But all you see is another version of you

I'm not perfect,
Neither are you
But together we were the perfect imperfection

You aren't dead
I'm not alive
Can we get rid of this pretentious breather?

I can't message you
You can't call me
Let's pretend to be strong till our little infinity

This doesn't make sense
It never will
For you and I were senseless, since forever.

Out of love - 45!

Either cement those gaps or just let them be. It's a void and hence pretend to avoid.
-------
The heart which resides in my body never really belonged to me.
--------

I'm neither the person you see nor the soul which I wish to project.

--------

The glow in her eyes was like a drop of magical portion which seeped through and magically healed the already drenched soul of unwept tears.

---------

Healer's smile, beyond divine.

--------

Constants became temporary and the wounds transformed themselves into scars. 

-------

As the grey ticks turned blue, the heart that used to beat started bleeding.

---------

Back then I feared pain, today all I fear is that why does my pain not pinch me. Have I become numb already? 

--------

If an artist forgets to die a bit everyday then the spirit of art might die! 

------

From being always availabe to now being almost not reachable; it was a tough transition from being a broken soul to being a selectively numb structure.

Stress with a smile!

There is something
About stress
That I really like
The uneasiness
The restlessness
That craving to
Move out of the situation
That thing which urges me
To move away from stagnation
There really is something
Strange and beautiful
About stress.

Those jitters
And the unwept tears
With that little tinch
Of loneliness
That makes it
Painful and wretched
I like it
It makes me a
Better artist
That essence of rage
Gets converted into
Gorgeous master pieces.

Yes! I like it
For hating it
Doesn't make sense
Either.

Out of love - 44!

Pretend to embrace the colours that I crave to show you as I unveil my dark soul.
------

The wounds that can't be diagnosed are the ones which hurt the most.

------

Sat together after days to have a meal together, ended up sharing smiles and filled themselves with memories. 

---------

Knew each other inside out yet lied everyday only to help each other exist. They were each others strength and weakness. 

----------

A couple of problems here and there, everything else seems to be fine, said the  doctor. Little did he know, the real problem was something no test could diagnose. 

----------

Wanted to portray universe on paper, ended up drawing your eyes. 

-------

Unkempt hair, bruised feet, wrinkled face and the brightest smile of this universe. She pretended to look ugly, didn't know how blissfully gorgeous she was.

----------

From unknown to lesser known to acquaintances to sorta friends and then finally to a one sided lover. It was a journey of subtle smiles to hidden tears.

------

You know you are my strength and you know I have a high threshold for pain. You ignore, and I just realise how elastic my pain endearing skill is

-------

Every time you treat me like an unwanted being in your life, I tend to lose a bit of myself. 

--------

Just another fearer!

It's strange how they think I play well with the colours. I am one of those who hates the very essence of the colours that surround. This is not because I don't like them, this is simply because it reveals a lot more than what I want to see and believe. Colours are that ugly medium which pretend to beautify things but end up revealing your dark side to yourself. It is strange how colours take that liberty of showing my unwept tears while I have been working hard on smiling all day.
I am not an artist, I will never be one. It's just strange that I fear two things in the universe i.e. MIRROR and COLOUR.
Being one of those who would never want to accept things the way they are, I feel it's quite obvious to fear the mirror. At times I feel it's the combination of mirror and colour which has made all of us so helpless.
In an era in which we pretend to live while all we do is breathe and function like a machine; it is this brutal colour which wants to break the monotony and probably wants you to feel the good, the bad and the ugly. The mirror, in front of which you stand tall everyday while combing your hair, tucking in your shirt etc only to help yourself accept that you look presentable for the world that doesn't even give a damn about your existence. How many times have you pretended to ignore the dark circles under your eyes or the wrinkles on your cheeks. And in case by chance you tend to embrace it which again is a very possibility all you tend to do is ignore yet again.
Ignorance is bliss this say, ignorant is surely at bliss, usually; however the ignored is usually screaming and screeching silently. The other day as I stood in front of the mirror I saw a lot of things in my reflection which I didn't want to see. Like, a couple of white hair on my head, deep dark circle and the marks of those wounds which I have been pretending to ignore. I am no artist or perfectionist. I have my own flaws which I pretend to be okay with.
It is in such times you start cursing the colour and the mirror, for showing you what you want to ignore. Obviously, colour and the mirror aren't as joyous as your salary cheque but nonetheless are equally essential.
It's laughable how our very own reflection tends to demoralise us every damn day. The colours which our soul wants to show are the ones which we want to hide. To keep it simple let's just say self and the employed self are two very different people. Employed self believes ignorance is bliss whereas Self has always suffered because of the pain that ignorance brings along!

Also published on: “It's strange how they think I play well with the colours.” @devyanikitu https://medium.com/@devyanikitu/it-s-strange-how-they-think-i-play-well-with-the-colours-2acdf3a89c3c

Fine?

You know what?
I love to hate
This feeling of
Pretending to be
FINE.

I'm not fine
Nor are you
We are fooling each other.
And ourselves too.

We don't have to
We don't need to
But, we still do.

I'm a fool
And, so are you
Maybe we are just
Used to pretending
To be fine.

What is fine?
Who is fine?
Why do I have to be fine?
Why do you have to be fine?

Why can't I be
Not fine at times
Why can't I be
Crazy all the time.

I am what I am
And fine is what it is
I'm not fine
And fine is not me  either

We're different
And our difference
Is what makes us different
I'm something
You're different something
But none of us our
Something called
FINE.