Warrior!

I know you think
My problems
My worries
My miseries
Are all kidish
And to you
They maybe.

You are not me
And you must
Have seen life
Differently
And that is
Absolutely how
Things are supposed to be.

I am not supposed
To understand your
Pattern of life
And
You aren't bound
To do that, either.

But,
In the end
What matters is
My fight
My struggle
My journey
Yes, it does
Matter to me
You may find
It silly, as usual.

Our fights and struggles
Are different
They always have been
They always will be
I am a warrior
And I am sure
You are one too.

Let's fight our
Battles
And
Not start a battle
Amongst ourselves
It's not worth it,
You know.

You will never know!

You will never know
How many sleepless nights
I spend just because
Our memories
Which I planned to cherish
Now haunt me.

You will never know
The hurricane in my chest
Which occurs every time
You shamelessly
Choose to ignore me

You will never know
How much I hate myself
For falling for you so hard
That I ended up
Forgetting how to get up
All by myself.

You will never know
Your worth and value
In my life because
For you I meant nothing
But you were the one who
Defined everything to and for me

You will never know
How broken I feel right now
Because you aren't there by my side
Or maybe you never were by my side
It was always me for you
And never vice versa

You will never know
The number of times
I question myself every damn day
For I have started doubting myself
In every field that I go to
Every dream that I ever saw
Now seems to be unreal

You will never know
How destroyed my faith is in
Love, bonds and forevers.
You made me believe in all that
And now I can't afford to believe all that
Because of the reason who made me believe
In all of that.

You will never know
You just won't.
Sigh.

Again and again!

It's strange how you
use the same trick
again and again
to break my heart
and
shred my soul
and
I let you do that
Again and again. .

I feel hurt
I feel shredded
I feel shattered
And
A lot more
But who would
Care to listen
To all of that
Again and again

You called me your
Constant, back then
And
I craved to call you
My constant
But, I couldn't
Because you just
Wouldn't, let me
Even after I did
Everything that I
Could
Should
And
Would
Again and again.

I'm an Iron man ?
Or a Superman ?
Who'd be there
Every time you
Wanted
Needed
Required
Desired
I'm glad if you think so
But,
The point is I'm not
Even if you
Think that way
Again and again.

I'm a human
Just the way
You are.
And
I'm little more
Than too tired
Of being what I'm not
Again and again.

I also crave for a smile
Once in a while
I also desire for a time
When you can at least
Listen to me
Even if you can't be
With me
But,
I know
I'll be doing this
All by myself
All over again
Because that's how
It happens
Again and again.

End of just another phase!

My college has finally come to an end. After doing a course that I never wanted to yet creating the best memories possible, these three years have been magical. Some say it’s an end of a chapter while the rest say it’s like getting back to square one because you have to decide what to do with life all over again. I don’t know what it actually is. It’s a very strange feeling, one of those feelings which I may not be able to articulate very well.

The course in which I will get my degree seems to be the most irrelevant part of my college life. What has mattered to me the most in these three years is the kind of people I have come across. The people with whom I shared a lot, learnt a lot and most importantly enjoyed a lot. The family that I found here has been the best thing ever and I shall be forever indebted to this college for the same.

Working 8 hours a day for cultural festivals and making last moment presentations for department seminars and most importantly being the anchor of all events that ever happened in that dusty old star. I was very skeptical about my college but as time passed I fell in love with that place and it’s people.

My school taught me how to cage myself and be disciplined and my college taught me how to fly while keeping your feet on the ground. Both institutions have done the best to and for me but my college will always have a upper hand when it comes to comparison with school.

This is yet another phase of life which has come to an end only to welcome the new exciting and hopefully a bright phase.

Also on:
“End of just another phase!” @devyanikitu https://medium.com/@devyanikitu/end-of-just-another-phase-b45a3e775d6

Out of love - 53!

What you see is a lie
What I want you to see is a lie
What I show you is a lie
What you know is the only truth that you should believe.
--------
Once passion enters an industry it is seen as a product. A product is always used to make business. And once something becomes a business it is supposed to give returns, and that is exactly how your passion gets converted into a profit making deal!
----------
Those blue ticks on WhatsApp are important, they tell me my worth in your life.
----------
Home is a feeling, not a place.
---------
And for the first time they had a silent conversation and a part of their bond cried and a bit of their soul died, it was their promise for forever that kept them tied all this while.
--------
Even when the days are terrible and nights are sob worthy , I'll still be there to make you smile, laugh and just be.
------------
I didn't know what they meant by solace until I slept in her lap.
-------
The front is attractive they say, haven't they seen the impressions of struggle on the back?
--------
Let it be, you won't be able to see the patch that makes the most of me. It's ugly, nasty yet mine.
---------
Solace and numbness are disgracefully proportional, usually. 

Triveni: A healer, lover and beyond!

I am not a lover, I may never be one, but this place which has been my mother, father, sister, brother, friend and the best lover since the past two years has surely healed my unhealed wounds. Those unflown tears and unacknowledged smiles that this place has seen and shared are priceless memories. My failures didn't hurt me that much, my success felt incomplete without sharing it with this place. To this place which made me a human being who can feel peace when there is a chaos all around. They say meditation brings peace, I say sitting on these stairs and with your earphones on and your favorite song on loop will heal, revive and rejuvenate you as never before. A glass of cold coffee while the sun blesses with you some warmth and light and the tree above that provides just the right amount of shade is a cure for any God damn problem.

Oh! The vibes are sinfully blissful here.
Yes! This was, is and shall always remain my favourite spot in the whole world. Favourite spot. Favourite place.

Also on: https://medium.com/@devyanikitu/triveni-a-healer-lover-and-beyond-1fd881d07c7d

Out of love - 52!

As I waited for the  grey ticks to turn blue, I knew my anxiety would get converted into a heart break.
-------
We may or may not win battles, but wars are meant for losers to lose, obviously. 

------

Different shades, 

similar stories, 

same ink 

and 

a long wait for glory!

--------

That place where it used to hurt bad, is turning numb. The broken pieces that used to pinch, have evaporated. There is a void that is going to stay for a little more than forever. 

---------

I never believed in forevers you made me believe in them and now you are the reason why I neither believe in forevers nor in love.

---------

It began to end and the end re- assured a new beginning. Such is the synchronization between the two.

----------

The sound of the rains was like a medicine to those unhealed barren wounds. It felt as if they got some love and life.

--------

I neither deserve to be ignored nor am I meant for ignorance. But, I still bear it from you because I crave for you more than I love you.

--------

Those un-flown tears left the worst scars. 

---------

From being a second option to now not being an option, I had learnt how to rebuild myself, all alone.

Out of love - 51!

Gulp down everything you can and everything you should.
-------
Probably in the end you will realise distraction is much more important and relevant than any attraction.
---------
He means forever to me, he is my brother the one who loves and will always love me more than my lover.
--------
I am poison, magic and stardust.
A combination you may choose
Not to believe, but I nonetheless am.
--------
Pain is a therapy itself, embrace it with grace.
--------
Fear of living is hazardous, death is not.
---------
From keeping each and every picture to now keeping selected pictures their bond either faded or reached a level where photographs didn't matter, each other's company did.
----------
Journey is within, everything else is just commutation.
-------
Things change, and they probably should.
-------
It's strange how you are my strength and weakness both and you don't even know that!

Confusions and desires!

Happiness is a phase
And so is sadness
Love is a myth
And
Hatred is unreal.

All we have is
A bit of magic
A little bit of hope
A dollop of stardust
And lots to dream.

What is real for you
Is unreal for me
What you want is
Your desire
What I want is
Mine.

Let's not confuse
Each other
Let's just dream
And be together.

What are you?

You will never know
How I feel when I miss you
And can't get in touch
With you.

I imagine our
Memories that I
Wish to create
With you.

Revisit our conversations
The ones in which
You have loved
And ignored me
Simultaneously.

I look at our pictures
Which have a story
Of their own.

The photographs
In which our smiles
Compliment each other
And the moment feels
Almost like forever.

It feels as if
It's been ages
Since we had a
Conversation.

But,
Technology tells me
We spoke last night
But my thirst for you
Just doesn't subside

Are you an addiction ?
Or an obsession?
Or just another faulty realisation?

Out of love - 50!

On some not so fine days, I find solace in my numbness.
-------
She told me she needed me and I realised that life was a little more than just breathing.
--------
I was not lost, I was un-acknowledged.
------
After its gone, things change but an essence of emptiness always stays.
-------
Let's not fool each other
Let's not promise
An unreal forever
Our bond was a phase
And phases aren't meant
To last till eternity.
--------
Either ignore me once and for all or just don't ever think about it. This thing in between is very tiring.
-------
Definitions and meanings have always curbed freedom of imagination.
--------
Most of the time, when I ask you questions I seek re - assurance more than any answer.
---------
The glow in her eyes would heal a million bruises and wipe a zillion tears.
---------
"Ignorance is bliss", said an ignored soul who wanted the world to know how strong it was, even after its soul was shredded into infinite pieces.

Time!

With time I
Lose and gain some
Relations, bonds and opportunities
A few of them, I cherish
Others, I simply regret.

Time just seems to
Flow and go
While my
Dreams and emotions
Are comparatively
Static.

It's difficult to
Keep up with time's
Pace
For time is
Always ready to
Slap me on my
Face.

Time defines a
Part of phase
But, isn't time
A phase itself?

Time may not change
But, times surely will
And so will I.

Fight to escape!

I know death
Looks attractive to you
For it'll all be
Black
For once and for all
Without those temporary
Patches of white and all.

But,
I know you're
A fighter and an escapist
You'll fight for life
And escape the fear of life.

Those shades of grey
That choke and suffocate you
Are your lovers
The ones who never leave your side
For  they have been your
Constants all this
While.

Let's kill the ultimate death
And die a bit everyday
Too see the sun shine
And feel a little divine
Let's make a combination
Of life and death
Where you breath a little
And a screech bit too.

Feel the phases
All of them
The good
The bad
And
The ugly
And see the
Naughty moon laugh
At all of them.

Close your eyes
Open your soul
Cmon!
Don't be a spoil sport.

Out of love - 49!

When your scalp smells of sweat, your body screams for sleep yet you have a contented smile on your face that is the moment when you realise you are in love. In love with what you do!
--------
Neither are you
Letting out
Nor am I
Both of us
Are pretending to live
As we die.
-------
You meant magic to me but now you're the reason why I'm losing my faith in magic itself.
--------
With every dance move
She lived a hundred smiles
And looked forward to a million miles.
--------
Over thinking is a by product of love.
--------
I'm a rock, and hence I shall stand where you left me and the way you left me.
--------
All that she ever carried with her was a bag of hopes and a suitcase of memories.
--------
Promised to try till death, unfortunately the spirit of trial died before her.
---------
Understanding may or may not take time, but acceptance surely does.
-------
It's one of those times
Yet again,
When my eyes want to
Shut down its shutter
But,
My mind just wouldn't get rid
Of its shitty clutter.

Gradually!

Gradually
That light which
Has been away
For a while
Is beginning to
Embrace the dark soul.

It's a new beginning
A new light is
About to enter,
Enter the dark soul
And a numb heart
The place where
The demons reside
Easily and peacefully.

But, Now
Times will change
For change is the only constant
And more importantly
Is essential.

After the dark
Comes the light
To bless embrace
And enlighten
The sight.

It's a phase
And hence
Shall pass
It has to
And it will.

Meanwhile,
Just hang on
And
Pretend to smile
As the real one
Will take some time.

You know what?

You know what?
You'll never have to worry
For all your troubles will be
Mine first and yours next.

I'll take care of you
I'll love you
Selflessly and shamelessly
For you are my little infinity.

Our beautiful nights
In which we had cursed
The God damn light
For our unrealistic dreams
Belonged to the soothing dark
Which had its own spark

Remember our conversations?
The ones in which we
Healed each other
Unknowingly and gorgeously

Our fights, our smiles
Our notorious delights
Our little blasts
From our incredible past

Is it all gone?
Or has it vanished
In some suffocating
Thin air?

I want you
I need you
And above all
I love you

You may or may not
Be mine
But don't forget
To shine.

I'll wish for your smiles
For your smiles
Are the ones
Which make me smile.

Stay happy
Stay cool
Don't waste your
Time on this fool.

Out of love - 48!

Her tears were like acid to my soul.
------
Friends sat together after ages to chill and relax, ended up sleeping in each others lap, with the most serene smiles on their faces.
--------
Set me free
Let me be
Wild, mad and unique.
-------
Tried to build a wall amongst themselves didn't realise that both sides of the wall had graffiti made of memories.
----------
Cracked the biggest business deal in town as business partners but the essence of their friendship was lost. Didn't know whether they failed or succeeded.
--------------
All I ever wanted was a tinch of attention from you, but you as usual had better things to do.
------------
I don't fear explosion, but I fear to explode because of you for my love will get scattered and that will shatter me beyond bits.
-----------
All she ever craved was for someone who'd listen to her silence and talk to her eyes.
----------
It takes courage to maintain faith in an era where fake is worshipped.
---------
Back then you ignored, I felt hurt.
Gradually got used to the hurt and hence became numb.
Today when you come to me I should technically jump with joy but I don't because I can't as I'm numb already.
---------

Conversations!

I love reading
Our old conversations.
The conversations in
Which you have
Ignored and hated me.

Our conversations
Which were often one sided
For I was desperate
To have you
Very  desperate, rather
But, you ignored me
You still do
But now I think
I am a little used to.

I didn't get you
I may never get you
Maybe you deserve
Someone better than me
For I am a piece of
Trash for you, already.

All I ever wished
And wanted was
Your happiness.
I still wish the same
Only if you could
Try and understand a bit.

I wish for your smiles
And a life as
Peaceful as the
Morning sky.
May your obstacles
Be mine
And you lead
A life
Incredibly divine.

You may not share
Your joys with me
But remember that
I'm there to help you
And be with you
During your days of
Sorrow.

From nothingness to
Being acknowledged as
Nothingness
I've learned to smile
During the tough times.

कुछ अलफ़ाज़, बस यूँ ही -10!

वक़्त की मार का प्रकोप तो देखिये जनाब आज अपने ही खवाब ना जाने कितने बड़े लालच जैसे लग रहे है।
-------
जितनी शिद्दत से लोग हमारे जाने का इंतज़ार कर रहे हैं, अगर उसकी आधी शिद्दत से भी हमने जीने की कोशिश की होती तो आज हालत और हालात दोनों ही बेहतर होते।
-------
बड़ी ही खूबसूरत चीज़ होती है
इंतज़ार
अपनी और अपने अपनों
की इह्मियत समझा जाती है
ये इंतज़ार की घडी
---------
दर्द को पनाह देने के लिए रुक गए तो वक़्त और ज़िन्दगी दोनों गवा बैठेंगे।
---------
मरने की ये बात नहीं
जीने का जज़्बात नहीं
कैसी अजब गज़ब पहेली है
ज़िन्दगी बड़ी अलबेली है।
----------

वही किस्से वही हालात बस ना जाने कैसे बदल गया ये अंदाज़....

-------

आज उस कबाड़ के राख को पुराने ज़ख्मों पे मल लिया.......लगता है अब कुछ हिसाब तो पूरा हो ही जाएगा।

--------

आज सपनों का हिसाब माँगा है कल साँसों का मांगेंगे, आखिर कब तक जियेंगे ऐसे? 

------

आज मेरे अश्कों से फ़र्क नहीं पड़ रहा कल मेरे चले जाने से क्या फर्क पड़ेगा....

--------

वो मेरे लफ़्ज़ों को

अपने रचाए चक्रह्युह मे 

कैद करने की कोशिशि करते रहे

और मै खवाबों की उड़ान मै मसरूफ रहा।

Out of love - 47!

Do you dare to revive me from my numbness?
------
For me she almost meant everything, to her I maybe inexistent.
-------
In the quest to heal each other and to ensure a little bit of light in each others life their souls healed, unknowingly yet beautifully.
------
In the end all we do is stitch our fragments to probably re assemble something similar to our soul.

------

Spoke to each other after quite sometime only to realise how beautifully and maturely the bud of the bond had blossomed into a flower.

------ 

Infinity and magic are matters of faith solely. 

------

A little essence of you around me is all I need.

------

 She was brave and so she pretend to smile while sitting next to her grave. 

-------

I crave to miss the memories that you and I would have created together, only if we could ever be together. 

--------

Symmetrical patterns, 

chaotic minds,

confused soul

Yet,

a feeling so divine.